I fall before You now,
I'm hindered at You're feet.
My sins are heavy,
They're deep.

I've failed You again.
I've let You down.
Disgraced You.

My actions are
Shameful.
My thoughts
Bring You pain.

I lead a life of,
regret, should have,
could have, would haves.

Wash me clean,
Dry me off.
Set me free.
On the right path.

Keep me straight,
Pick me up.
Make me whole.

I am a tree.

My bark is tough,
Crackled, broken,
And rigid.

It's worn out in places,
Weakened in many.

My limbs are reaching,
Aimlessly above me.
They quiver in the wind.
Move with it's gusts,
Snap in the breeze.

My leaves are changing,
Again, it seems.
They twist and turn,
Fall off, and grow.

I am a tree.

My surroundings,
They're changing.
They move me,
They break me.

I am the remains,
The results,
The outcome,
The compilation.

The winds will change,
Again it seems.
It'll pick up,
It'll calm down,
It'll weaken me,
Then build me up again.

I am a tree.


Father, be the wind, break me down, change me. I'm tired of this life I've been leading. It's meaningless and striping away the person I am, the person I was, and the person I want to be. Break my habits, make me new. I am nothing, with out You. 

Confucius

Source: sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net via Chelsea on Pinterest

Strange things are happening...

It's slowly but surely creeping up on me. I would have never before thought this... but I think, I just might... Be becoming a Morning Person.

"That irritatingly happy person that has no need for high octane coffee when they wake up. Generally, these people are a myth found only in Narnia, but every now and then one will escape and it is the job of the (much more awesome) night people to coerce them back into the wardrobe."

Even though I appreciate the humor there, I do need coffee in my system. 

I've been routinely waking up at seven a.m. everyday. I find myself to be a bit more productive and generally enjoy the relaxing morning time with my coffee. Oh God, I'm getting old too soon. 

New Beginnings

The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want. - Ben Stein 

So what DO I want? 

• A job
• To finish school
• A dependable vehicle that doesn't make strange noises or give me the feeling that it will break down at any given moment. 
• To be more dependant on my faith. To have unconditional knowledge that a being much greater than myself has my future in His hands. 
• A growing relationship with my family. 
• To have a successful career
• To begin the organization God see's me starting. 
• To find love

Screw Ups

"Everybody screws up, that's what happens. It's what you do with the screw ups, it's how you handle the experience, that's what you should judge yourself by." - Gilmore Girls

Sleepless: Not Again?

So my anxiety has returned. Shocker, I know. I figured since I haven't been sleeping lately, with that tight feeling in my chest (that kind that makes it feel like some four-hundred-and-some-odd pound man is patiently sitting on my ribs). Then they're is also this odd twitching that's been happening above my left elbow for a little over a week. Yeah, I thought that last one was odd too.

Anyways, since I'm still awake, and writing is suppose to be a sort of therapy, I decided I'll write out my stressors (the one's I deny having).

1: Dad. 
      His Parkinson's is always continually progressing. Even as much as I want to deny it, I see it everyday. He gets to that one step, the only real step in the house that separates the interior house with the den. He raises one foot trying to surpass it and then, starts into this rhythmical motion of back and forth. Almost as if he is playing cat and mouse with an invisible kitten, teasing it with a foot and then retracting it as the kitten tries to play. He get's caught in this little "game" for minutes at a time. Had it not been for the disease, one might even find it comical. However, anytime my father goes into an episode brought on by Pdf, whether it be as the one I just described or a vast other in option, my wonderful daughter skills kick in and I'm self consciously forced to escape the area. Do you know how pathetic that seems? Do you know how horrible it is, to see him, to see my wonderful father who has raised me, brought me up to be the person I am, act like that? Does no one realize that it's not JUST him going through this? I want to scream it at the top of my lungs! I just want one person to understand that I can't do this. With all of my being, I wish I could. I wish I could be the perfect daughter, and be there for him at all times. I wish it didn't kill me to know that he's deteriorating. I so WISH that I could take all of his pain away, all of his embarrassment, all of his tears. I wish, for once, I was able to do something right.
      Instead, I'm this bystander. For example: tonight, it happened, that same exact experience described happened, and what did Tiffany do? She made up some excuse to leave the house. Said she was meeting a friend. Reality? She around town for thirty minutes, then parked in the public library parking lot and waited an hour until her parents would be headed to bed. Had no plans, no place to be, nothing. Just a lame excuse so that I didn't have to see the pain in his eyes.
     How pathetic am I?

And then, to top all of this off, I have the audacity to believe within all my dad's pain and suffering, I'm concerned with the hypothetical fact that I may have a chance of getting the disease he has. I'm so self centered that I'm concerned of myself, a (as far as I know) healthy individual. I'm so scared that I'll have some signs or symptoms of that that I lay restless in my bed.

2: School. 
       So this whole semester all I've been doing is repeating a program I took last year. Not because I failed it, but because the school lost it's accreditation and another school wouldn't let me proceed unless I retook it at their own facility. Money scam? Yeah, I'm totally aware. This program has been far more difficult than my last one, and I've been struggling to keep up with my studies. Included in all of that, I've had class, lab, rideouts of 72 hours, exams, a driving portion, and to top it all off, the national registry.
       I was scheduled to take the NR today, in which, some miracle happened and I passed it.
       I've been so stressed out this past couple months studying for class and that test.
       Now I have four more finals to look at completing, and one more set of ride outs.

3: Money. 
        My job at the Halloween store is way overdue. I'm running off of the money that I saved up by it, including the money that I earned to pay off school. I'm still in debt... forever will be. I passed the NR so that means I can start looking for work. Which brings me to another stressor. I need to find a job, need to schedule an appointment with the president of the hospital, fix my resume, and apply anywhere and everywhere. I need money, and just like that commercial, I need money now.
     
4: Vehicle.

5: WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

6: Future
        As in #5, I have no clue where my life is headed. I have mental breakdowns when I realize this. I don't have a set goal like I always have had in the past. I don't know where I'm going to end up. I have so many questions about everything and at the end of it I'm left with a huge question mark imprinted straight on my forehead.

I'm sure there is so much more, but for now, I feel sleep coming and a slight weight loss of that four-hundred-and-some-odd pound man.

Harlingen

This blackened whirlwind,
a darkened town,
It sucks me deep:
Within it I'll drown.

I gasp for air,
Sometimes succeed,
However the current...
It's so hard to breath.

Further and further,
It pulls me in,
Until there is nothing,
Left in me to fend.

I beg and I plead,
Try to fight my way out.
This town has no mercy.
Within it I shout.

The valley is low,
That river lay deep,
I want to move out,
but it poses a great steep.

"From The Inside Out"

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

Truth?

Source: indulgy.com via Alexandra on Pinterest

Hope.

Source: tylerknott.com via Tyler Knott on Pinterest

It's on the list

Sperry Top-Sider - Women's Angelfish Slip-On Boat Shoe

Life Is Good

LIFE IS GOOD!!??

 

“LIFE IS GOOD” on my shirt it is said,
And I keep repeating it in my head.
But there are times I do not agree
Because life’s not always filled with glee.

 

Why do I think in these negative ways?
Because life has thrown me a curve, let’s say.
This giant curve begins with a capital P.
Parkinson’s has made my life a mystery.

 

As I look at the gleaming sky and birds,
My love of life is too strong for words
But the dreaded future is haunting me.
Will there be happiness or misery?

 

“Live in the present”, I hear every day
But it’s hard to constantly live that way.
There are fears and trials I cannot deny,
Fear that I will not succeed when I try.

 

I look at the words on my shirt and ponder
Is life really good or should I wonder
Life can be good if I stop and enjoy
The beauty and love no one can destroy.

written by Leeson

           2009

Numbers, Gold, and Green.

We are all but a number.
We are given a number at birth.
When we turn 16 we're given a driver's licence number.
We attend a school that labels us with a student number.
 The banks code us to a bank account number.
We get a job, and receive an associate number.
 They pay us with direct deposit that sends this,
 "hypothetical money" to that bank account number,
that says we have a certain number inside it.
 And that NUMBER is the number of our self worth.

When you stand back, and realize how simplistic our society has become, you realize how low we stooped. People kill, steal, fight, argue, and live for this silly little number that we've put so much stress on.

Money, in this nation, used to be backed by how much gold we had.
Gold, a precious metal. A rarity. 
We replaced gold with paper.
Copyrighted, counterfeited paper.

Nowadays we replaced the lackluster paper with a dollar sign and a bank account.

So this, hypothetical idealistic sense of worth that we've created has consumed a huge portion of my worries. I find myself anxious most days over this stupid materialistic thing, and all for what? This paper? This hypothetical waste of people's thoughts, hopes, fantasies, desires, and entire life's meaning (in many cases).

Pretty dumb huh?
But what would you do for a buck, a bill, a dollar, some dough, or a lil green?

Update: Singularity

Adjustment.

Adjustments are necessary and they take time to play out. I feel like I've adjusted back to how it was, back to me pleasing me, and focusing on the things that I want in life. I've noticed lately a sense of anger/bitterness over the situation and I'm done with that. I'm done with letting other people have an impact on my emotions.

It's back to the priorities.

God
Education
Career
Family

I feel like I've learned a lot through this last break up. I've learned to not compromise what you want, to not look past the "little things" because those things WILL add up. I've learned that there are some character traits I appreciate and need in my life, and some that I can live with out.

Things happen for a reason, and I'm still figuring that reasoning out.
In God's time I'll get to where ever He needs me to be.

Singularity

Being single, simply, just sucks.

You get used to a certain way, a certain method, routine, lifestyle. You get used to the companionship, the dependability, the comfort of not being alone.

I don't understand myself most of the time. I want something. I think I know what it is. I get it, and all to find out that again, I'm not sure if it's what I wanted.

I got into a relationship with someone I thought was the perfect match for me. I got into a relationship with my best guy friend at the time. Sounded like a Taylor Swift song. Too good to be true. Was so certain, so dead set that it would work out.

When things felt off, I tried ignoring it, tried telling myself it was just a phase of my emotions. Tried convincing myself I was going to marry him. That I wanted my life to be with him.

He's a great guy, and I know he'll be perfect for someone. I'm almost sure that someone is no longer me.

It kills me to think about how my life could have been. Where my life would have ended up.

It kills me to realize that I'm 20 years old, and I have ABSOLUTELY no clue what I'm doing. I haven't the slightest idea what's on the road ahead of me.

I feel so lost, and alone, living life as a single again.

Humor Me Not

http://nicolepalafox.blogspot.com/

• "Never break up with someone in a public place. ESPECIALLY if its somewhere that you frequent often! If it's a bad split, you don't want to be a babbling idiot inside Starbucks crying over the bad memory of heartache over morning coffee. Go somewhere that has NO significant meaning to you. "

Randomly clicking across someone's blog on my blogger account to find this. ^ 

Wow. I wish some people would have read this information about a week ago. Would have made a bit of a difference. God must have a pretty big sense of humor here. 

Hoarding Our Lives Away

Once there was a people who surveyed the resources of the world and said to each other: “How can we be sure that we will have enough in hard times? We want to survive whatever happens. Let us start collecting food, materials and knowledge so that we are safe and secure if a crisis occurs.” So they started hoarding. So much and so eagerly that the other peoples protested and said: “You have so much more than you need, while we don’t have enough to survive. Give us part of your wealth!” But the fearful hoarders said: “No, no we need to keep this in case of emergency, in case things go bad for us too, in case our lives are threatened.” But the others said: “We are dying now, please give us food and materials and knowledge to survive. We can’t wait… we are dying now!”

Then the fearful hoarders became even more fearful since they became afraid that the poor and hungry people would attack them. So they said to one another: “Let us build walls around our wealth so that no stranger can take it from us.” They started erecting walls so high that they could not even see anymore whether their enemies we outside the walls or not! As their fear increased they put bombs at the top of their walls so that nobody from outside would even dare to come close. But instead of feeling safe and secure behind their armed walls they found themselves trapped in the prison they had built with their own fear. They even became afraid of their own bombs, wondering if they might harm themselves more than their enemy. And gradually they realize that their fear of death had brought them closer to it. – Henry Nouwen


The above parable is from the book Red Letters by Tom Davis who has an inserted parable written by Henry Nouwen. The below link is a blog I found from a missionary serving in Uganda that had a related topic.


http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/2008/07/last-night-there-was-rat-in-my-room.html

She says it better, and I agree. Most of us are living life too paralyzed by fear to do the things we should, the things that are expected of us, and the lives we're meant to lead.

Red Letters

"We can't reach far enough to offer compassion because our arms are too busy holding all that we own." -- Tom Davis

Life, Death, and the In between

We learn to be alive, 
And in that, 
We learn we'll once die. 
And we learn to appreciate, 
All the moments in between. 


What do you do when life becomes an unstoppable nightmare?

http://www.pdf.org/en/factsheets

Father, I pray my dad has undeniable strength in the days/months/years/decades to come. Father, I pray he wakes up and realizes he has so much meaning in his life, so much purpose, and so much love around him. I pray for pain free days and uncountable bursts of laughter. For meaningful conversations and days of wonderment and joy. I pray for doctors with answers, friends with hope, and family with warmth. 


Thank you Father, for bringing my family together in this, I pray that we continue to grow closer through out the rest of my life.