Update: Singularity

Adjustment.

Adjustments are necessary and they take time to play out. I feel like I've adjusted back to how it was, back to me pleasing me, and focusing on the things that I want in life. I've noticed lately a sense of anger/bitterness over the situation and I'm done with that. I'm done with letting other people have an impact on my emotions.

It's back to the priorities.

God
Education
Career
Family

I feel like I've learned a lot through this last break up. I've learned to not compromise what you want, to not look past the "little things" because those things WILL add up. I've learned that there are some character traits I appreciate and need in my life, and some that I can live with out.

Things happen for a reason, and I'm still figuring that reasoning out.
In God's time I'll get to where ever He needs me to be.

Singularity

Being single, simply, just sucks.

You get used to a certain way, a certain method, routine, lifestyle. You get used to the companionship, the dependability, the comfort of not being alone.

I don't understand myself most of the time. I want something. I think I know what it is. I get it, and all to find out that again, I'm not sure if it's what I wanted.

I got into a relationship with someone I thought was the perfect match for me. I got into a relationship with my best guy friend at the time. Sounded like a Taylor Swift song. Too good to be true. Was so certain, so dead set that it would work out.

When things felt off, I tried ignoring it, tried telling myself it was just a phase of my emotions. Tried convincing myself I was going to marry him. That I wanted my life to be with him.

He's a great guy, and I know he'll be perfect for someone. I'm almost sure that someone is no longer me.

It kills me to think about how my life could have been. Where my life would have ended up.

It kills me to realize that I'm 20 years old, and I have ABSOLUTELY no clue what I'm doing. I haven't the slightest idea what's on the road ahead of me.

I feel so lost, and alone, living life as a single again.

Life, Death, and the In between

We learn to be alive, 
And in that, 
We learn we'll once die. 
And we learn to appreciate, 
All the moments in between. 


What do you do when life becomes an unstoppable nightmare?

http://www.pdf.org/en/factsheets

Father, I pray my dad has undeniable strength in the days/months/years/decades to come. Father, I pray he wakes up and realizes he has so much meaning in his life, so much purpose, and so much love around him. I pray for pain free days and uncountable bursts of laughter. For meaningful conversations and days of wonderment and joy. I pray for doctors with answers, friends with hope, and family with warmth. 


Thank you Father, for bringing my family together in this, I pray that we continue to grow closer through out the rest of my life. 

Little Miracles

We take our miracles where we find them. We reach across the gap and sometimes, against all odds, against all logic, we touch. - Grey's Anatomy

Honest

I'm sorry I get frustrated.
I'm sorry I'm irrational.
I'm sorry I don't take the time,
    to appreciate the moment,
    to appreciate you.

I'm sorry I'm stubborn,
      thickheaded,
      and impossible.

I'm sorry,
      I miss you.

Things We Say

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves. -- Grey's Anatomy

Why worry?

Luke 12:25
             25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?

  It never fails, I always get caught up in worrying about all the things I have no control over. I know at the end of the day it's all in God's hands, however, I can't keep myself from thinking the worst in every situation.

I need to pass the national test.
                  I worry I won't pass, because that's the worst that could happen.
                  If I don't pass I won't be able to get another job soon and end up being a failure.


I need to get another job.
                  Hours are being cut dramatically and I'm barely making anything.
                  It's dreadful going to work there and I'm sick of feeling worthless.


I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life.
                  All of the unknown aspects are driving me insane.


I want the doctors to figure out what's wrong with my daddy.
                  ... And this one is the one that matters. This is the one I have absolutely no control over.
                  I want my dad to be happy. I want my dad to be healthy. I want my dad to live forever.
                  Isn't that what all children want of their parents? Is it asking to much?

I know there's kids out there, everyday, who don't have what I have. I know I'm blessed more than I'll ever know. I should have nothing to complain about.

Father, whatever happens to me, and my life, whether it's failing out of school, not finding another job, or never figuring out what my life's purpose is, just keep my father healthy. He deserves the best life. Please comfort him, while he's in pain. Encourage him, when he's in doubt. Heal him, if he's sick. 
Thank you Father, for all the blessings you've placed in my life. 

Here we go...

Father, tomorrow will be the first big step into the plan I believe You have for me.
       Simply stated,
       Help me through my test tomorrow Father. I want to do work for You, and I think this is how I'm suppose to do it. Guide my thought process as I read the answers and I know You'll stay with me through the end.

Thank you Father, for bring me to where I am today.

Distance

... Distance.
 Continual,
 Perpetual.

 Seasons. I don't care much for seasons. The way the change too often and bring about different weather, right when I've just gotten used to the previous one. They bring in different air, and different feelings.

 "Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), a form of depression that tends to occur as the days grow shorter in the fall and winter. It is believed that affected persons react adversely to the decreasing amount of light and the colder temperature as autumn and winter progress." - MedicineNet.com

 If you're reading this, I hope it explains my moods in winter....

Momma knows...

Uh, I absolutely hate being sick. I feel useless, just laying in bed, sleeping most of the day away. I have so much that needs to be done and so much that I should be doing, instead of lounging in my bed trying to down as much warm tea I possibly can, in order to get my voice back.

I've had a lot of time to think though.  A lot of time to think about my life and what I'm doing with it. Is my life being led by selfishness or am I living my life for God. It's times like these when I can turn back and analyze all the things I've done or said or thought. My long term life goals are still the same. I still plan on getting my EMT basic, finding a job, and eventually using it for His work. However, if I'm suppose to be doing it ultimately for Him, then why is it so easy to slack off in that class when I know I should be putting every effort of my being into it? I have so much work that I need to do for that class, so much to catch up on. I haven't put in the real effort into that class that it deserves but yet I tried so hard, and so long to get into the program. Why is it, that I've taken yet another opportunity for granted?

I've been asking myself those questions since the first week of class, when I noticed that my attention in that class drifted. I had nothing distracting me from that one goal. I knew what I wanted and I knew how to get it. Why then is it hard for me to concentrate on a subject that I'm usually pulled into concentrating on.

Here comes the end to all of it. Today I will catch up in this class.

• I will not fall into procrastination. 
• I will not put socialization in front of my goal. 
• I will not slack off. 

If this is truly the path that God has chosen for me, I will work towards it eagerly and with wholeheartedness. 

Father, I pray that you give me the ability to not lose focus. I pray that You inspire me to continue on with the class and give it all I can till it's over  (one month). I pray that You use me for Your will. Keep my eyes on You Father. - Amen. 

:) I hope I live my life like this.

Under an old brass paperweight is my list of things to do today
Go to the bank and the hardware store, put a new lock on the cellar door
I cross 'em off as I get 'em done but when the sun is set
There's still more than a few things left I haven't got to yet

Go for a walk, say a little prayer
Take a deep breath of mountain air
Put on my glove and play some catch
It's time that I make time for that
Wade the shore and cast a line
Look up a long lost friend of mine
Sit on the porch and give my girl a kiss
Start livin', that's the next thing on my list

Wouldn't change the course of fate but cuttin' the grass just had to wait
'Cause I've got more important things like pushin' my kid on the backyard swing
I won't break my back for a million bucks I can't take to my grave
So why put off for tomorrow what I could get done today

Like go for a walk, say a little prayer
Take a deep breath of mountain air
Put on my glove and play some catch
It's time that I make time for that
Wade the shore and cast a line
Look up a long lost friend of mine
Sit on the porch and give my girl a kiss
Start livin', that's the next thing on my list

Raise a little hell, laugh 'til it hurts
Put an extra five in the plate at church
Call up my folks just to chat
It's time that I make time for that
Stay up late, then oversleep
Show her what she means to me
Catch up on all the things I've always missed
Just start livin', that's the next thing on my list

Under an old brass paperweight
Is my list of things to do today

In the spirit of Thanksgiving...

I'd like to think back on all the things that I'm thankful to God for each day. Father, thank you for the life I have, the family I have (as dysfunctional as it may be :P ) and for the all the friends I've been blessed with.

Thank you Father, for taking me down the path of life I've chosen and showing me new things each day. Thank you for teaching me the lessons I've learned and allowing me to experiences every moment of it.

Thank you Father for the lessons to come and the experience that await me.

:)

Psalm 90:12

When does life stop from being a day to day routine of going through the motions, and become real again? I'm tired of going to things and doing things just because the day calls for it. I'm tired of waking up to do things I'm not passionate about. I'm tired of where my life is heading.

I wanna wake up one morning, drive down the loop and drive right past tstc, and just keep going, just keep driving until I run out of gas in my car, and money in my account. I wanna just end up somewhere new and start over.

I daydream often while driving to work of missing my exit to the mall and taking the express way to McAllen, and then from there to just keep going.

 "Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom" Psalm 90:12


If we aren't living a life of passion,
If we aren't living a life of meaning,
If we're just coasting through this life,
Wishing tomorrow would come before
This day is over,

How is that living?

If we're suppose to number our days aright, how does endless college, meaningless jobs, useless drama, and random happenings, have to do with life and living?

Father, teach me to number my days aright. 


Teach me to do the things you want me to do, teach me to live a life with a purpose, teach me to live for You and Your will. Teach me to live a life with passion. 

Matthew 8:18-22

Matthew 8:18-22

New International Version (NIV)

The Cost of Following Jesus

 ¹⁸ When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake. ¹⁹Then a teacher of the law came to him and said, “Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.” ²⁰ Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
 ²¹ Another disciple said to him, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
 ²² But Jesus told him, “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.”

Would you give up your life to follow Jesus?

Job?

Career?

School?

Family?

Friends?

Life?

Hurts, Habits, and Hang ups

So, I started this eight week Bible study on:
Life's Healing Choicesby John Baker
LIFE HAPPENS. Happiness and healing are yours for the choosing. We've all been hurt by other people, we've hurt ourselves, and we've hurt others. And as a result, every single one of us ends up with some sort of hurt, hang-up, or habit. But the question we all face is, Where do we go from here? Life's Healing Choices offers freedom from our hurts, hang-ups, and habits through eight healing choices that promise true happiness and life transformation. Using the Beatitudes of Jesus as a foundation, Rick Warren and John Baker, developed the eight choices shared in this book.
In addition to practical, encouraging biblical teaching, each chapter includes two real-life stories of men and women whose lives have been transformed by living out the eight choices in this book. Through making each of these choices, you too will find God's pathway to wholeness, growth, spiritual maturity, happiness, and healing. You'll find real answers, real hope, and a real future—one healing choice at a time.

http://www.saddlebackfamily.com/maturity/spiritualgrowthcenter/topics/hurtshabitsandhangups.html

I started reading the book a few days ago. Seems like it's going to be an interesting realizational book.

Perpetual College Life

Every time I bring up how much I want to speed past all these college years, someone always has to butt in to say, "but it's all gonna be worth it in the end". Well no joke. 

Obviously, college pays off in the end. Obviously, that's the reason why I'm putting myself through so much stress. I know the classes I'm taking are eventually going to work toward my future, and any future involving my want to be a missionary. However!, I really just want this year/ this semester, to just be done with already. 

I've been making my school schedule to the maximum possible amount, and I can feel the years being drained from me. Lord, let me get through this semester alive, and after that, You can do as You will. 

Sept 10th

Since it's been a few months of being on here, and the fact that I actually have time to be on here, I guess I can write about what I've been up to.

1.) Still working the same job.
2.) Taking an Emt Program as well as a few basics to finish up.
3.) Still teaching D Groups at church.
4.) Got back from China a few months ago.

The details of that? Well, since getting back from China, I've realized several things in my life need to change. I need to stop revolving my life around what I want, money, and living my life on a ridiculous time span that's unattainable. Life's gotta be based on faith and knowing God's gonna place you where you need to be.

It's still hard for me at times to believe that, but at the end of the day, with a calm heart, I know it to be true.

The Emt Program seems random to some, since I don't plan on working in the Emt field forever/ never really thought of it as a career move. I guess I never took a second thought to my wanting of an Emt, and always knew it's what I'm "suppose to do". Recently I spoke at my church about China, and the guy that followed me was a missionary talking about Haiti. It really clicked that I'm suppose to work in a clinic in Haiti, and it seems like it would work out, being that I'll have my Emt way before that in January.

I'm still highly considering moving to China to teach English at a university over their, and am still working on my bachelors in order to get over there with the program I'm wanting to be apart of.

In all of this, I still know, at the end of it all, I'm called to work with sex trafficking. I know all this other stuff in Haiti and China is suppose to prepare me for that. I know I'm not ready to be working within all of that and I understand. My heart still says it's the purpose to what I'm working for and I look forward to the day that I actually am.

Besides all of that, there's not a whole lot going on in my life. I'm occupied with school everyday of the week and work most days as well. I'm at the church on Wednesdays, and am doing homework most of my down time. Overbook myself this semester? You know it. Social life this semester? Not.At.All. Regrets? I hope not in the end.

With Opened Eyes

Well, I'm not sure if it's just been the day, or if it's my eyes that have been opened up. One thing that's sure, is the apparentness of God's work in my life and the lives around me.

This week has been an interesting one, and one that's had blessings just rain down. 

To fill ya in, here's what my week has looked like. 

It started off with hearing word from a job opportunity and the expected starting date of that opportunity. This in itself is a major blessing, and you can read previous blogs to get the jest of it. 

The next amazingly fantastic thing that took place, was wonderful news about one of my friends that's been having some trouble with her sight. In all the months that she's been told about everything that was wrong with her vision, and the predictions of what would be to come, the news just seemed like it was undeserving. I didn't understand why a God would let that happen to someone like her. To me it just didn't make sense. I don't wanna say that I became angry with God, but I would say that I was confused with Him and what His will might include. 

Throughout it all I was witness to some amazing faith that was showed to my by not only her, but several other people as well. Their faith awed me, in a way that I didn't really understand at first. I mean, I don't put limits on the power that God has and what He is capable of, but for someone to just have blind faith was different to me. 

Somehow, despite my usual skepticism something told me that she was taken cared of, that God would protect her and comfort her throughout what ever He had planned. This past week she was given some exceedingly hopeful news. Prayers answered. 

Another blessing that was shown to me, was that I actually got to make my last payment for school. Throughout all the stress that I've gone through in finding a way to receive enough money for that check, God provided yet again. The relief that has been given to me, feels amazing. I can finally breath again without that heavy burden sitting on my chest. 

Lastly, today was my first day at work. That in itself brings me peace. I'm finally relieved of finding a job, and all the job hunting, awkward interviews, and frustration is over with. I can't explain how good this feels to finally have a job again. To finally have a way of making an income, and a purpose. 

Thank you sweet Lord for constantly providing everything I need. You never fail me, and continue to be there for me even when I don't deserve it. You truly are an awesome God, and my eyes are opened to that statement each day. 

Latest News

Well, fortunately, I have recently been blessed with a job opportunity. I'm currently waiting on my drug test and background check to process (fingers crossed, fingers crossed) Ha, Totally kidding, I know they'll come out good.

Anyways, I'm grateful for finally getting to this point, and everything seems rather optimistic right now. Job hunt has gone on for over a year, and I can finally say I'm no longer unemployed.

Now's the chance to save up to pay for my classes, passport, and China. :)

Life of the Unemployed

Another day of not knowing whether or not I'm going to get a job offer. It seems like everytime I really think this or that job is going to pull through for me, it doesn't happen. It's like I'm being scolded for being too sure of something so it's taken away.

Maybe I'm suppose to just assume that I'm never going to get a job. Maybe then I'll have one fall in my lap. Or not. I don't know, but this job thing is frustrating.

I don't know what to do about the situation anymore. I feel so guilty for not having a job. I mean, yeah I'm going to school, but I feel like I should be working and earing something. Everytime I'm just sitting at home, I feel worthless and like I shouldn't be just relaxing or bumming it. I just want a job. I feel like everything would be so much better if I just had one.

I wouldn't feel so reliant on my parents all the time. I hate not being able to buy myself the things I need, given I'm not a crazy shopper and I never intend on it, but I would like to be able to purchase my own school supplies, and shampoo and stuff. I want to be able to save up money. You never know when you're going to need it.

Until I get a job, I'll be stuck here. Not "here" as in this town, state, or home, but "here" as in this sense of being, of living. This life style.

Another day, another prayer.