Life.
Continual.
Ritual.
Routine.
Cycle.
You wake up, go to the bathroom, get dressed, have a cup of coffee if you're lucky, maybe a bite to eat, and you leave the house. Same routine. Same motions. Every. Single. Day.
In my case, after doing all of that, I go to school, and stay there 'til late afternoon. At which point, I'm burned out and tired from all the boring lectures and am ready for a nap. Yes, a nap. A nap in which I partake on a daily basis. Sad, I know, it's one of life's simple pleasures. Children appreciate them, you should too.
When I'm not doing that, I'm trying to find a relatively routine job, that can fill in my melodramatic life, and offer up a minute amount of money to the spiraling college fund.
Fast forward button? Oh, how I wished you existed.
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Update
Sunday, January 23, 2011
So, I kinda lost all inspiration to do anything with this for a while. I log on, but nothing seems important enough to talk about. Nor do I want to talk about anything lately. Not that life sucks right now or anything. I mean, it's average, and has been pretty good. I'm in the classes I wanted, I'm doing good so far. The only thing is that I'm still unemployed. Hopefully that changes quickly.
After my cousin's death, I just feel like anything posted on here is worthless. It doesn't matter what I think, or what I put on here, when bigger things happen. Today's Sunday, so I went to church. Every time I enter the church lately all I think about is him, and his family, and how I hope and pray that they remain alright. I know God has plans for them, and I know in Him they'll be okay, but I can't help but worry about what will happen to them. What will happen to the son, and how the wife will manage him.
From what I remember of Tom, he was a great and Godly man. I would have learned a lot from him and his opinions of things. His funeral service was beautiful, and was a great reflection of him and what he stood for. It's crazy how his life can be summed up simply by "he was a Godly man". I'm pretty sure everyone who knew him would come to an agreement on that. Which makes me think of how awesome that is.
There's been many deaths in my family, and Tom is only one of two people in all of that, that have such an image to leave behind. I know if anything was to happen to me tomorrow, I would not have such an image. My image would be tainted and corrupted by the life I lead. Then the inevitable therapist question of "and how could you change that?" comes to mind.
How does one change that? Change their life? I mean, it's an entire life, not just something simple or irrelevant. At the same time, the typical answer is simple right? Change a life, by living for something greater than yourself. That it's all apart of perception, and how you view the world and the people in it. Your priorities in life and how you place them. The actions you take and how you make them count. What you allow to into your brain's processing field and what you filter out.
The lists go on and on, and give off the impression of simplicity, but we all know at the end of the day, it's only possible by the amount of effort you put into it. How much you're willing to sacrifice from your sinful life, and how much you stubbornly hold on to.
Decisions, decisions.
Do we have any? Or have they already been chosen before us?
After my cousin's death, I just feel like anything posted on here is worthless. It doesn't matter what I think, or what I put on here, when bigger things happen. Today's Sunday, so I went to church. Every time I enter the church lately all I think about is him, and his family, and how I hope and pray that they remain alright. I know God has plans for them, and I know in Him they'll be okay, but I can't help but worry about what will happen to them. What will happen to the son, and how the wife will manage him.
From what I remember of Tom, he was a great and Godly man. I would have learned a lot from him and his opinions of things. His funeral service was beautiful, and was a great reflection of him and what he stood for. It's crazy how his life can be summed up simply by "he was a Godly man". I'm pretty sure everyone who knew him would come to an agreement on that. Which makes me think of how awesome that is.
There's been many deaths in my family, and Tom is only one of two people in all of that, that have such an image to leave behind. I know if anything was to happen to me tomorrow, I would not have such an image. My image would be tainted and corrupted by the life I lead. Then the inevitable therapist question of "and how could you change that?" comes to mind.
How does one change that? Change their life? I mean, it's an entire life, not just something simple or irrelevant. At the same time, the typical answer is simple right? Change a life, by living for something greater than yourself. That it's all apart of perception, and how you view the world and the people in it. Your priorities in life and how you place them. The actions you take and how you make them count. What you allow to into your brain's processing field and what you filter out.
The lists go on and on, and give off the impression of simplicity, but we all know at the end of the day, it's only possible by the amount of effort you put into it. How much you're willing to sacrifice from your sinful life, and how much you stubbornly hold on to.
Decisions, decisions.
Do we have any? Or have they already been chosen before us?
Passing Realms
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Funeral.
“A ceremony at which a dead person is buried or cremated”
Simple definition, correct? Through the many theories as to what we, as people, are suppose to do after a loved one dies, I’m still at a loss to the emotional sense that comes with it.
We’re expected to go through a mourning period, but yet are told to celebrate the passing of one person’s life into the next world. Some confusion is left in the mist of these tellings due to their conflicting directions.
If the passing person died unexpectedly in a freak accident, there is an increased amount of mourning involved, but if the person had been expecting their death due to illness, does this mean that the amount of mourning decreases?
For some reason unknown to me, I find that society is less empathetic when a person had been expecting their passing. In this I don’t fully understand. Can loved ones to this person be expected to brace themselves for a death?
How can it be expected for the family/friends to “brace” themselves for anything of the sort? This seems like a rather inconsiderate expectation to hold when you’ve lived the majority of your life with someone to wake up the next day to the realization that they are no longer here.
Losing a loved one is the same in any shape or form. There is grieving, mourning, and healing that all need to take place no matter the circumstance.
Be more understanding, considerate, and empathetic, the next time someone you know is hurting for the passing of a loved one.
It’ll do the world some good.
“A ceremony at which a dead person is buried or cremated”
Simple definition, correct? Through the many theories as to what we, as people, are suppose to do after a loved one dies, I’m still at a loss to the emotional sense that comes with it.
We’re expected to go through a mourning period, but yet are told to celebrate the passing of one person’s life into the next world. Some confusion is left in the mist of these tellings due to their conflicting directions.
If the passing person died unexpectedly in a freak accident, there is an increased amount of mourning involved, but if the person had been expecting their death due to illness, does this mean that the amount of mourning decreases?
For some reason unknown to me, I find that society is less empathetic when a person had been expecting their passing. In this I don’t fully understand. Can loved ones to this person be expected to brace themselves for a death?
How can it be expected for the family/friends to “brace” themselves for anything of the sort? This seems like a rather inconsiderate expectation to hold when you’ve lived the majority of your life with someone to wake up the next day to the realization that they are no longer here.
Losing a loved one is the same in any shape or form. There is grieving, mourning, and healing that all need to take place no matter the circumstance.
Be more understanding, considerate, and empathetic, the next time someone you know is hurting for the passing of a loved one.
It’ll do the world some good.
Farewell Dear Cousin
Friday, January 7, 2011
Daylight closes in,
On darkness ending rule.
Gleaming through,
Curtains’ veil,
On pure winter’s view.
The light is warm,
Caresses so dearly.
Embraces you,
With it’s sweet heat.
Birth of,
This day so young.
So fresh and new,
Like baby’s breath,
Dreams.
Ever so pleasant,
These harmonious moments.
The post script ending,
To life’s downfalls.
Peace,
And serenity,
To calm the gale.
You are forever in my heart. May God cherish you, always.
On darkness ending rule.
Gleaming through,
Curtains’ veil,
On pure winter’s view.
The light is warm,
Caresses so dearly.
Embraces you,
With it’s sweet heat.
Birth of,
This day so young.
So fresh and new,
Like baby’s breath,
Dreams.
Ever so pleasant,
These harmonious moments.
The post script ending,
To life’s downfalls.
Peace,
And serenity,
To calm the gale.
You are forever in my heart. May God cherish you, always.
Late Night Memories
Friday, December 3, 2010
It's pretty late, and I can't sleep. Yet again. Too many thoughts. Yet again. I'm not really sure why I'm so bothered about the things that I can't change in life. I can't change my family and the contents of it. I can't change the fact that Tristin has other siblings besides the two he grew up with. I should be happy for him. I should want him to know his other half siblings, but instead, I'm selfish and I want to be his only sister. Growing up, it was me. I was the one he protected and cared for. Not them.
I've lost contact with him. I haven't talked or seen him in seven years. Things are different. People change, and people move on. I'm not the little girl he knew and he's not the brother I idolized. And yet, I'm still stuck in this same spot of selfish thinking, and living in the past.
I feel like there's just so so much stuff that we've missed in each other's lives. Seven years is a long time. That's seven years of living, seven years of growing up, and seven years of countless memories. I can't imagine ever being able to tell him every single story of my life that's he's missed. Nor the same with him to me. We'll never be able to be on that same level. It's impossible to gain those years back. He didn't see me graduate, he didn't see me when I left to Tyler, he wasn't there to help me pick up the pieces from when I came back from Tyler. He wasn't there for me when my heart was broken by some jerk.
And the worst thing left in all of this is the fact that seven years takes a toll on a memory. I'm so scared of forgetting him. I'm afraid I won't remember the person he was, and how much happened when we were growing up. Considering the fact that we don't talk anymore, it's so easy to just think that Thomas is my only brother. It's so easy to just let my friends believe that there's only four of us in this family. I can't remember alot of memories with him. I don't know whether it's my mind playing tricks on me, or if there just aren't that many with him in it. I have no problem remembering Thomas and what he said or the instances of my stupidity with him.
I'm an aunt, I have two nieces, and yet, I don't feel like one. As horrible as that is to say, I don't feel like I'm anything to those two kids. I love them, I do, but I can't honestly feel anything for them other than the fact that I'm suppose to because their Tristin's daughters. I've never met them, and I feel terrible about that. On the other hand, I feel like my presence in all of this doesn't matter. They have two other aunts from Tristin. Why would they need one more? One who looks nothing like any of them. I don't fit in with that, with them.
I feel like it doesn't matter to them. I've been replaced by two other women who fit in with them perfectly. They'll never know me, they'll never know the little girl who was so incredibly proud to be his little sister.
I love you Tristin. (Please don't forget me)
I've lost contact with him. I haven't talked or seen him in seven years. Things are different. People change, and people move on. I'm not the little girl he knew and he's not the brother I idolized. And yet, I'm still stuck in this same spot of selfish thinking, and living in the past.
I feel like there's just so so much stuff that we've missed in each other's lives. Seven years is a long time. That's seven years of living, seven years of growing up, and seven years of countless memories. I can't imagine ever being able to tell him every single story of my life that's he's missed. Nor the same with him to me. We'll never be able to be on that same level. It's impossible to gain those years back. He didn't see me graduate, he didn't see me when I left to Tyler, he wasn't there to help me pick up the pieces from when I came back from Tyler. He wasn't there for me when my heart was broken by some jerk.
And the worst thing left in all of this is the fact that seven years takes a toll on a memory. I'm so scared of forgetting him. I'm afraid I won't remember the person he was, and how much happened when we were growing up. Considering the fact that we don't talk anymore, it's so easy to just think that Thomas is my only brother. It's so easy to just let my friends believe that there's only four of us in this family. I can't remember alot of memories with him. I don't know whether it's my mind playing tricks on me, or if there just aren't that many with him in it. I have no problem remembering Thomas and what he said or the instances of my stupidity with him.
I'm an aunt, I have two nieces, and yet, I don't feel like one. As horrible as that is to say, I don't feel like I'm anything to those two kids. I love them, I do, but I can't honestly feel anything for them other than the fact that I'm suppose to because their Tristin's daughters. I've never met them, and I feel terrible about that. On the other hand, I feel like my presence in all of this doesn't matter. They have two other aunts from Tristin. Why would they need one more? One who looks nothing like any of them. I don't fit in with that, with them.
I feel like it doesn't matter to them. I've been replaced by two other women who fit in with them perfectly. They'll never know me, they'll never know the little girl who was so incredibly proud to be his little sister.
I love you Tristin. (Please don't forget me)
The Former And The Following
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Why do I live in the past?
My thoughts are constantly thinking of what happened then and the wanting of those moments to happen again. I don’t live in the present, I don’t live in the here and now. The here and now happens, but I’m too caught up in the past to realize what’s going on, and how good I have it now. I’m so wrapped up in what’s missing that I once had. I don’t understand much of that.
There was nothing great about my past.
There’s been a lot of pain, a lot of lessons learned, and a lot of people leaving. Why then, am I still consumed with it?
I miss certain aspects in my life, but in the reality of it all. I have so much more now, than I had in the past. I have more knowledge of who I am, and what I want to become.
My goals are becoming somewhat attainable, and I suppose that also frightens me. I’m a dreamer. How can I dream about things if they actually start happening?
So wait, I live in the past, and I dream about my future? I sense a chunk of life missing somewhere in there.
Nonsense.
My thoughts are constantly thinking of what happened then and the wanting of those moments to happen again. I don’t live in the present, I don’t live in the here and now. The here and now happens, but I’m too caught up in the past to realize what’s going on, and how good I have it now. I’m so wrapped up in what’s missing that I once had. I don’t understand much of that.
There was nothing great about my past.
There’s been a lot of pain, a lot of lessons learned, and a lot of people leaving. Why then, am I still consumed with it?
I miss certain aspects in my life, but in the reality of it all. I have so much more now, than I had in the past. I have more knowledge of who I am, and what I want to become.
My goals are becoming somewhat attainable, and I suppose that also frightens me. I’m a dreamer. How can I dream about things if they actually start happening?
So wait, I live in the past, and I dream about my future? I sense a chunk of life missing somewhere in there.
Nonsense.
Ignorance Is Bliss
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
So, I feel like Jimmy Neutron.
“Brain Blast!”
I’ve reached a thought. It’s not that great of one, and I wish I didn’t arrive at it, but lately there’s just so much going on. So much going on in everyone’s life. So much pain and hurt and just, so .. Much. It’s ridiculous. Among all of this that’s going on, it feels like people as a society should be stepping in and helping each other and just being there for each other. In these times is when I realize we’re all alone. There’s no one that’s going to come to you to help you out. No one’s going to make a difference in anyone’s life. We’re given this time on earth, and what do we do with it? I feel like we take advantage of the time we have and what we do with it. We’re a set of selfish individuals, who are numb to other’s troubles.
The Bible teaches us to be loving, and to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Rom 12:15) So we’re suppose to feel for each other and sense when they are in need. We’re called to do this, but yet we don’t.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, or why I even bother thinking of ways to put thought to page. It’s irrelevant.
“Brain Blast!”
I’ve reached a thought. It’s not that great of one, and I wish I didn’t arrive at it, but lately there’s just so much going on. So much going on in everyone’s life. So much pain and hurt and just, so .. Much. It’s ridiculous. Among all of this that’s going on, it feels like people as a society should be stepping in and helping each other and just being there for each other. In these times is when I realize we’re all alone. There’s no one that’s going to come to you to help you out. No one’s going to make a difference in anyone’s life. We’re given this time on earth, and what do we do with it? I feel like we take advantage of the time we have and what we do with it. We’re a set of selfish individuals, who are numb to other’s troubles.
The Bible teaches us to be loving, and to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Rom 12:15) So we’re suppose to feel for each other and sense when they are in need. We’re called to do this, but yet we don’t.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, or why I even bother thinking of ways to put thought to page. It’s irrelevant.
November's Plan
Sunday, October 31, 2010
So, it’s Halloween, meaning November 1st is tomorrow. Meaning, I get to start something that I’ve been waiting to do because I think it will be interesting. I got it off of someone else’s blog, which they just finished doing.
Day 1: A favorite song
Day 2: A favorite movie
Day 3: A favorite book
Day 4: A favorite television program
Day 5: A favorite quote
Day 6: A moment you wish you could relive
Day 7: Five things you couldn't possibly live without
Day 8: A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life
Day 9: A photo you took
Day 10: A photo of you taken over 10 years ago
Day 11: A photo of you taken recently
Day 12: A song you want played at your wedding (or was played)
Day 13: A guilty pleasure
Day 14: A vacation you would like to take
Day 15: A person you admire
Day 16: A song that makes you cry
Day 17: An art piece
Day 18: A time when you felt passionate and alive
Day 19: A talent of yours
Day 20: A hobby of yours
Day 21: Something you know you do differently than most people
Day 22: A website
Day 23: A way in which you want to be remembered
Day 24: A movie no one would expect you to love
Day 25: A recipe
Day 26: A childhood memory
Day 27: A physical feature you love
Day 28: A scar you have and its story
Day 29: Hopes, dreams, and plans you have for the next 365 days
Day 30: A motto or philosophy
So here goes the month of November (:
Day 1: A favorite song
Day 2: A favorite movie
Day 3: A favorite book
Day 4: A favorite television program
Day 5: A favorite quote
Day 6: A moment you wish you could relive
Day 7: Five things you couldn't possibly live without
Day 8: A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life
Day 9: A photo you took
Day 10: A photo of you taken over 10 years ago
Day 11: A photo of you taken recently
Day 12: A song you want played at your wedding (or was played)
Day 13: A guilty pleasure
Day 14: A vacation you would like to take
Day 15: A person you admire
Day 16: A song that makes you cry
Day 17: An art piece
Day 18: A time when you felt passionate and alive
Day 19: A talent of yours
Day 20: A hobby of yours
Day 21: Something you know you do differently than most people
Day 22: A website
Day 23: A way in which you want to be remembered
Day 24: A movie no one would expect you to love
Day 25: A recipe
Day 26: A childhood memory
Day 27: A physical feature you love
Day 28: A scar you have and its story
Day 29: Hopes, dreams, and plans you have for the next 365 days
Day 30: A motto or philosophy
So here goes the month of November (:
Ponder, ponder.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Over the past few days, I’ve been given the chance to think and analyze life. Not just my life, but life in general. The life of the people I care about, people I don’t know, and all the people who are affected by what goes on around them. Everything is so complex and interwoven. They say life starts with a cell, one cell. To think that everything that’s on this planet was created through a cell, one tiny cell, makes me believe how fragile we all are. We are a being, placed together by the use of a cell that is duplicated and recycled in daily living. We go through countless amounts of cells, we shed them all around. This thing that we are so careless to dispose of is what makes us who we are. It gives us the characteristics that we are known for. The combination of our DNA predicts what gender we will be, how tall we will reach, the color of our eyes and hair, and the mindset we will arrive at. When I think of all of this, I think of how great our God must be.
Take a look around you now. What do you see? Within the walls of my room is a door, created from earth’s own trees, a blanket, woven together with once fresh cotton, and paint splashed walls, created by the pigment stolen from the world’s pallet.
Then there are people. People aren’t like a door, a blanket, or a bucket of paint. People are complicated and consist of millions of characteristics that make us unique individuals who are all so very, very different. In those millions of characteristics there are millions of things that could go wrong at any given time. Cancer may strike, illness may hit, and health may deteriorate. Thoughts go wrong, depression strikes. Will they take a life out of anger or confusion? Accidents will occur, along with everything else. At the end of the day, I come to realize that everything lies on a fragile thread.
We go to sleep, and we wake up thinking that everything will be how it was before our head hit the pillow, but everyday is a blessing, even if all we do is wake up. I take that for granted. I take people for granted. I take everything in my life for granted and I ignore the fact that I have been blessed, and I am a very fortunate person.
Everyone spins through there own solar system of confusion and conflict, and we all are so oblivious to everything that is going on in peoples’ lives around us. When I realize how much is going on, I feel overwhelmed and anxious and just want to sit and ponder by myself. That is what these past few days have been.
Thank you God, for placing me where I am at in Your world. Protect those I care about, and all the people I don’t know. Be with the needing and the hurting, and I pray that one day I’ll meet them on better terms. In Your sweet name, Amen.
Take a look around you now. What do you see? Within the walls of my room is a door, created from earth’s own trees, a blanket, woven together with once fresh cotton, and paint splashed walls, created by the pigment stolen from the world’s pallet.
Then there are people. People aren’t like a door, a blanket, or a bucket of paint. People are complicated and consist of millions of characteristics that make us unique individuals who are all so very, very different. In those millions of characteristics there are millions of things that could go wrong at any given time. Cancer may strike, illness may hit, and health may deteriorate. Thoughts go wrong, depression strikes. Will they take a life out of anger or confusion? Accidents will occur, along with everything else. At the end of the day, I come to realize that everything lies on a fragile thread.
We go to sleep, and we wake up thinking that everything will be how it was before our head hit the pillow, but everyday is a blessing, even if all we do is wake up. I take that for granted. I take people for granted. I take everything in my life for granted and I ignore the fact that I have been blessed, and I am a very fortunate person.
Everyone spins through there own solar system of confusion and conflict, and we all are so oblivious to everything that is going on in peoples’ lives around us. When I realize how much is going on, I feel overwhelmed and anxious and just want to sit and ponder by myself. That is what these past few days have been.
Thank you God, for placing me where I am at in Your world. Protect those I care about, and all the people I don’t know. Be with the needing and the hurting, and I pray that one day I’ll meet them on better terms. In Your sweet name, Amen.
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