Life.
Continual.
Ritual.
Routine.
Cycle.
You wake up, go to the bathroom, get dressed, have a cup of coffee if you're lucky, maybe a bite to eat, and you leave the house. Same routine. Same motions. Every. Single. Day.
In my case, after doing all of that, I go to school, and stay there 'til late afternoon. At which point, I'm burned out and tired from all the boring lectures and am ready for a nap. Yes, a nap. A nap in which I partake on a daily basis. Sad, I know, it's one of life's simple pleasures. Children appreciate them, you should too.
When I'm not doing that, I'm trying to find a relatively routine job, that can fill in my melodramatic life, and offer up a minute amount of money to the spiraling college fund.
Fast forward button? Oh, how I wished you existed.
Update
Sunday, January 23, 2011
So, I kinda lost all inspiration to do anything with this for a while. I log on, but nothing seems important enough to talk about. Nor do I want to talk about anything lately. Not that life sucks right now or anything. I mean, it's average, and has been pretty good. I'm in the classes I wanted, I'm doing good so far. The only thing is that I'm still unemployed. Hopefully that changes quickly.
After my cousin's death, I just feel like anything posted on here is worthless. It doesn't matter what I think, or what I put on here, when bigger things happen. Today's Sunday, so I went to church. Every time I enter the church lately all I think about is him, and his family, and how I hope and pray that they remain alright. I know God has plans for them, and I know in Him they'll be okay, but I can't help but worry about what will happen to them. What will happen to the son, and how the wife will manage him.
From what I remember of Tom, he was a great and Godly man. I would have learned a lot from him and his opinions of things. His funeral service was beautiful, and was a great reflection of him and what he stood for. It's crazy how his life can be summed up simply by "he was a Godly man". I'm pretty sure everyone who knew him would come to an agreement on that. Which makes me think of how awesome that is.
There's been many deaths in my family, and Tom is only one of two people in all of that, that have such an image to leave behind. I know if anything was to happen to me tomorrow, I would not have such an image. My image would be tainted and corrupted by the life I lead. Then the inevitable therapist question of "and how could you change that?" comes to mind.
How does one change that? Change their life? I mean, it's an entire life, not just something simple or irrelevant. At the same time, the typical answer is simple right? Change a life, by living for something greater than yourself. That it's all apart of perception, and how you view the world and the people in it. Your priorities in life and how you place them. The actions you take and how you make them count. What you allow to into your brain's processing field and what you filter out.
The lists go on and on, and give off the impression of simplicity, but we all know at the end of the day, it's only possible by the amount of effort you put into it. How much you're willing to sacrifice from your sinful life, and how much you stubbornly hold on to.
Decisions, decisions.
Do we have any? Or have they already been chosen before us?
After my cousin's death, I just feel like anything posted on here is worthless. It doesn't matter what I think, or what I put on here, when bigger things happen. Today's Sunday, so I went to church. Every time I enter the church lately all I think about is him, and his family, and how I hope and pray that they remain alright. I know God has plans for them, and I know in Him they'll be okay, but I can't help but worry about what will happen to them. What will happen to the son, and how the wife will manage him.
From what I remember of Tom, he was a great and Godly man. I would have learned a lot from him and his opinions of things. His funeral service was beautiful, and was a great reflection of him and what he stood for. It's crazy how his life can be summed up simply by "he was a Godly man". I'm pretty sure everyone who knew him would come to an agreement on that. Which makes me think of how awesome that is.
There's been many deaths in my family, and Tom is only one of two people in all of that, that have such an image to leave behind. I know if anything was to happen to me tomorrow, I would not have such an image. My image would be tainted and corrupted by the life I lead. Then the inevitable therapist question of "and how could you change that?" comes to mind.
How does one change that? Change their life? I mean, it's an entire life, not just something simple or irrelevant. At the same time, the typical answer is simple right? Change a life, by living for something greater than yourself. That it's all apart of perception, and how you view the world and the people in it. Your priorities in life and how you place them. The actions you take and how you make them count. What you allow to into your brain's processing field and what you filter out.
The lists go on and on, and give off the impression of simplicity, but we all know at the end of the day, it's only possible by the amount of effort you put into it. How much you're willing to sacrifice from your sinful life, and how much you stubbornly hold on to.
Decisions, decisions.
Do we have any? Or have they already been chosen before us?
Passing Realms
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Funeral.
“A ceremony at which a dead person is buried or cremated”
Simple definition, correct? Through the many theories as to what we, as people, are suppose to do after a loved one dies, I’m still at a loss to the emotional sense that comes with it.
We’re expected to go through a mourning period, but yet are told to celebrate the passing of one person’s life into the next world. Some confusion is left in the mist of these tellings due to their conflicting directions.
If the passing person died unexpectedly in a freak accident, there is an increased amount of mourning involved, but if the person had been expecting their death due to illness, does this mean that the amount of mourning decreases?
For some reason unknown to me, I find that society is less empathetic when a person had been expecting their passing. In this I don’t fully understand. Can loved ones to this person be expected to brace themselves for a death?
How can it be expected for the family/friends to “brace” themselves for anything of the sort? This seems like a rather inconsiderate expectation to hold when you’ve lived the majority of your life with someone to wake up the next day to the realization that they are no longer here.
Losing a loved one is the same in any shape or form. There is grieving, mourning, and healing that all need to take place no matter the circumstance.
Be more understanding, considerate, and empathetic, the next time someone you know is hurting for the passing of a loved one.
It’ll do the world some good.
“A ceremony at which a dead person is buried or cremated”
Simple definition, correct? Through the many theories as to what we, as people, are suppose to do after a loved one dies, I’m still at a loss to the emotional sense that comes with it.
We’re expected to go through a mourning period, but yet are told to celebrate the passing of one person’s life into the next world. Some confusion is left in the mist of these tellings due to their conflicting directions.
If the passing person died unexpectedly in a freak accident, there is an increased amount of mourning involved, but if the person had been expecting their death due to illness, does this mean that the amount of mourning decreases?
For some reason unknown to me, I find that society is less empathetic when a person had been expecting their passing. In this I don’t fully understand. Can loved ones to this person be expected to brace themselves for a death?
How can it be expected for the family/friends to “brace” themselves for anything of the sort? This seems like a rather inconsiderate expectation to hold when you’ve lived the majority of your life with someone to wake up the next day to the realization that they are no longer here.
Losing a loved one is the same in any shape or form. There is grieving, mourning, and healing that all need to take place no matter the circumstance.
Be more understanding, considerate, and empathetic, the next time someone you know is hurting for the passing of a loved one.
It’ll do the world some good.
Farewell Dear Cousin
Friday, January 7, 2011
Daylight closes in,
On darkness ending rule.
Gleaming through,
Curtains’ veil,
On pure winter’s view.
The light is warm,
Caresses so dearly.
Embraces you,
With it’s sweet heat.
Birth of,
This day so young.
So fresh and new,
Like baby’s breath,
Dreams.
Ever so pleasant,
These harmonious moments.
The post script ending,
To life’s downfalls.
Peace,
And serenity,
To calm the gale.
You are forever in my heart. May God cherish you, always.
On darkness ending rule.
Gleaming through,
Curtains’ veil,
On pure winter’s view.
The light is warm,
Caresses so dearly.
Embraces you,
With it’s sweet heat.
Birth of,
This day so young.
So fresh and new,
Like baby’s breath,
Dreams.
Ever so pleasant,
These harmonious moments.
The post script ending,
To life’s downfalls.
Peace,
And serenity,
To calm the gale.
You are forever in my heart. May God cherish you, always.
The Dreamer In Me
Saturday, January 1, 2011
The dreamer in me,
has goals of wonderment,
and admiration.
has confidence,
and pride.
leads others to wisdom,
and knowledge.
has goals of wonderment,
and admiration.
Hidden behind life's,
cold truth.
The dreamer in me,has confidence,
and pride.
Hidden under hopeless
lies.
The dreamer in me,leads others to wisdom,
and knowledge.
Hidden by fear,
of the lack of intelligence.
Will the dreamer in me
Come alive?
Labyrinth
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Hold on.
Hesitation.
Take a step.
Move back.
Access,
Repeat,
Proceed.
The mind is,
here, nor there,
nor then, 'til now.
Living,
Breathing,
Memories,
Fantasies.
Reality fades,
Dreams wander,
Taking over mind's eternal,
Realm.
Hesitation.
Take a step.
Move back.
Access,
Repeat,
Proceed.
The mind is,
here, nor there,
nor then, 'til now.
Living,
Breathing,
Memories,
Fantasies.
Reality fades,
Dreams wander,
Taking over mind's eternal,
Realm.
Blow 'em up.
Monday, December 20, 2010
I can't express,
These feelings clearly.
Hazed in confusion,
and glistening wonder.
Life proves failure,
disbelief, and corruption.
Ending in dreaded nights,
and regretful mornings.
Wake up to this,
Big bright disaster,
Spinning fast,
In a thoughtful dust storm.
It's overwhelming,
With desperation,
And time bombed words.
There's the trigger,
There it goes.
These feelings clearly.
Hazed in confusion,
and glistening wonder.
Life proves failure,
disbelief, and corruption.
Ending in dreaded nights,
and regretful mornings.
Wake up to this,
Big bright disaster,
Spinning fast,
In a thoughtful dust storm.
It's overwhelming,
With desperation,
And time bombed words.
There's the trigger,
There it goes.
Counterfeit
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Hide behind,
That forged smile.
Those words that seep,
Through rivers deep lie.
Pretend your world,
Rotates on perfect precision.
And don’t let a blink,
Come between your,
Magnificent dream.
This web you’ve woven,
Will unwind.
‘Til then,
Hide behind,
That forged smile.
That forged smile.
Those words that seep,
Through rivers deep lie.
Pretend your world,
Rotates on perfect precision.
And don’t let a blink,
Come between your,
Magnificent dream.
This web you’ve woven,
Will unwind.
‘Til then,
Hide behind,
That forged smile.
Mr. Sandman
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Among night’s stars,
Are the sands of time.
Turned bright,
Dazzling lights,
Those radiant eyes.
Peering through,
True darkness’ gaze.
Hovering over,
Mountains’ shoulder.
Stalking through,
Unveiling territory,
And hunting for the,
Moon’s bright lie.
Crisp in winter’s air,
Stood still.
Alive through,
Water’s alternate realm.
Tuned to Earth’s,
Indefinite heartbeat,
A pendulum of,
Nature’s eternal rhythm.
Age envelops,
All in wonder;
Withers down life’s course edges.
Travel through,
This ripened era,
Within one glance,
Upon the hour.
Take a pinch of,
Grainy white sand,
Transformed to black,
By raging periods.
Hold it firm,
(Dear to heart)
For within them are,
Existence’ meaning.
Are the sands of time.
Turned bright,
Dazzling lights,
Those radiant eyes.
Peering through,
True darkness’ gaze.
Hovering over,
Mountains’ shoulder.
Stalking through,
Unveiling territory,
And hunting for the,
Moon’s bright lie.
Crisp in winter’s air,
Stood still.
Alive through,
Water’s alternate realm.
Tuned to Earth’s,
Indefinite heartbeat,
A pendulum of,
Nature’s eternal rhythm.
Age envelops,
All in wonder;
Withers down life’s course edges.
Travel through,
This ripened era,
Within one glance,
Upon the hour.
Take a pinch of,
Grainy white sand,
Transformed to black,
By raging periods.
Hold it firm,
(Dear to heart)
For within them are,
Existence’ meaning.
Release Me.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Heart pounds.
Chest tightens.
The room,
It spins in rapid movement.
Voices dwindle,
Motion slows down,
And I’m trapped within,
My cellared self.
Response time,
Takes a doubled toll.
Thoughts triple,
In time’s webbed weave.
Lost within this panicked trance,
I fear the moment someone notices.
That moment’s seldom,
Although destined.
Till that moment,
My mind lies,
In tight chains,
Against a cold stone floor.
Waiting to be released...
Chest tightens.
The room,
It spins in rapid movement.
Voices dwindle,
Motion slows down,
And I’m trapped within,
My cellared self.
Response time,
Takes a doubled toll.
Thoughts triple,
In time’s webbed weave.
Lost within this panicked trance,
I fear the moment someone notices.
That moment’s seldom,
Although destined.
Till that moment,
My mind lies,
In tight chains,
Against a cold stone floor.
Waiting to be released...
Drowning
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Emotions break through the floodgates of my mind,
Raging winds spindle past with endless fury,
Waves crash down and trample through learned paths.
Cursing, crying, pleading,
Begging, pity,
Rains down in short seasons.
I Sink down in my ceaseless lies,
Tugging at my sinful cloak.
Further and further I fall,
With boots of cement cutting the way.
Below me I see my destined course,
Lined by darkness,
Consuming all.
Sharp objects,
Cut through my tender flesh,
This open wound,
Which does not heal.
I land upon my knees,
Broken and dismantled.
Here is my plea.
Raging winds spindle past with endless fury,
Waves crash down and trample through learned paths.
Cursing, crying, pleading,
Begging, pity,
Rains down in short seasons.
I Sink down in my ceaseless lies,
Tugging at my sinful cloak.
Further and further I fall,
With boots of cement cutting the way.
Below me I see my destined course,
Lined by darkness,
Consuming all.
Sharp objects,
Cut through my tender flesh,
This open wound,
Which does not heal.
I land upon my knees,
Broken and dismantled.
Here is my plea.
Dive for Dreams
Sunday, December 5, 2010
So, I'm totally in absolute love with this poem by E.E. Cummings. It's fantastic.
dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)
trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at the wedding)
never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)
in spite of everything
which breathes and moves, since Doom
(with white longest hands
neating each crease)
will smooth entirely our minds
-before leaving my room
i turn, and (stooping
through the morning) kiss
this pillow, dear
where our heads lived and were.
Insoluble
Unanswered questions,
Thoughts left unfinished,
Words unspoken.
They linger through,
The mind’s endless maze.
Take a left,
Then a right,
Second door.
Locked threshold.
Skeleton key,
Broken within,
The doors blind eye.
Where now,
To go,
Through unseen territory?
Sleepwalking
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Attempt to lift a foot,
Weighed down by a heavy burden.
The ground turns,
To enveloping resin.
Stuck.
Immovable.
Permanent.
Grasped within this stance,
Held firm.
Standing within your living coma.
Breathe in.
Make it deep.
Exhale slowly.
Relief will come,
As dully noted.
Perhaps?
Weighed down by a heavy burden.
The ground turns,
To enveloping resin.
Stuck.
Immovable.
Permanent.
Grasped within this stance,
Held firm.
Standing within your living coma.
Breathe in.
Make it deep.
Exhale slowly.
Relief will come,
As dully noted.
Perhaps?
Late Night Memories
Friday, December 3, 2010
It's pretty late, and I can't sleep. Yet again. Too many thoughts. Yet again. I'm not really sure why I'm so bothered about the things that I can't change in life. I can't change my family and the contents of it. I can't change the fact that Tristin has other siblings besides the two he grew up with. I should be happy for him. I should want him to know his other half siblings, but instead, I'm selfish and I want to be his only sister. Growing up, it was me. I was the one he protected and cared for. Not them.
I've lost contact with him. I haven't talked or seen him in seven years. Things are different. People change, and people move on. I'm not the little girl he knew and he's not the brother I idolized. And yet, I'm still stuck in this same spot of selfish thinking, and living in the past.
I feel like there's just so so much stuff that we've missed in each other's lives. Seven years is a long time. That's seven years of living, seven years of growing up, and seven years of countless memories. I can't imagine ever being able to tell him every single story of my life that's he's missed. Nor the same with him to me. We'll never be able to be on that same level. It's impossible to gain those years back. He didn't see me graduate, he didn't see me when I left to Tyler, he wasn't there to help me pick up the pieces from when I came back from Tyler. He wasn't there for me when my heart was broken by some jerk.
And the worst thing left in all of this is the fact that seven years takes a toll on a memory. I'm so scared of forgetting him. I'm afraid I won't remember the person he was, and how much happened when we were growing up. Considering the fact that we don't talk anymore, it's so easy to just think that Thomas is my only brother. It's so easy to just let my friends believe that there's only four of us in this family. I can't remember alot of memories with him. I don't know whether it's my mind playing tricks on me, or if there just aren't that many with him in it. I have no problem remembering Thomas and what he said or the instances of my stupidity with him.
I'm an aunt, I have two nieces, and yet, I don't feel like one. As horrible as that is to say, I don't feel like I'm anything to those two kids. I love them, I do, but I can't honestly feel anything for them other than the fact that I'm suppose to because their Tristin's daughters. I've never met them, and I feel terrible about that. On the other hand, I feel like my presence in all of this doesn't matter. They have two other aunts from Tristin. Why would they need one more? One who looks nothing like any of them. I don't fit in with that, with them.
I feel like it doesn't matter to them. I've been replaced by two other women who fit in with them perfectly. They'll never know me, they'll never know the little girl who was so incredibly proud to be his little sister.
I love you Tristin. (Please don't forget me)
I've lost contact with him. I haven't talked or seen him in seven years. Things are different. People change, and people move on. I'm not the little girl he knew and he's not the brother I idolized. And yet, I'm still stuck in this same spot of selfish thinking, and living in the past.
I feel like there's just so so much stuff that we've missed in each other's lives. Seven years is a long time. That's seven years of living, seven years of growing up, and seven years of countless memories. I can't imagine ever being able to tell him every single story of my life that's he's missed. Nor the same with him to me. We'll never be able to be on that same level. It's impossible to gain those years back. He didn't see me graduate, he didn't see me when I left to Tyler, he wasn't there to help me pick up the pieces from when I came back from Tyler. He wasn't there for me when my heart was broken by some jerk.
And the worst thing left in all of this is the fact that seven years takes a toll on a memory. I'm so scared of forgetting him. I'm afraid I won't remember the person he was, and how much happened when we were growing up. Considering the fact that we don't talk anymore, it's so easy to just think that Thomas is my only brother. It's so easy to just let my friends believe that there's only four of us in this family. I can't remember alot of memories with him. I don't know whether it's my mind playing tricks on me, or if there just aren't that many with him in it. I have no problem remembering Thomas and what he said or the instances of my stupidity with him.
I'm an aunt, I have two nieces, and yet, I don't feel like one. As horrible as that is to say, I don't feel like I'm anything to those two kids. I love them, I do, but I can't honestly feel anything for them other than the fact that I'm suppose to because their Tristin's daughters. I've never met them, and I feel terrible about that. On the other hand, I feel like my presence in all of this doesn't matter. They have two other aunts from Tristin. Why would they need one more? One who looks nothing like any of them. I don't fit in with that, with them.
I feel like it doesn't matter to them. I've been replaced by two other women who fit in with them perfectly. They'll never know me, they'll never know the little girl who was so incredibly proud to be his little sister.
I love you Tristin. (Please don't forget me)
The Former And The Following
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Why do I live in the past?
My thoughts are constantly thinking of what happened then and the wanting of those moments to happen again. I don’t live in the present, I don’t live in the here and now. The here and now happens, but I’m too caught up in the past to realize what’s going on, and how good I have it now. I’m so wrapped up in what’s missing that I once had. I don’t understand much of that.
There was nothing great about my past.
There’s been a lot of pain, a lot of lessons learned, and a lot of people leaving. Why then, am I still consumed with it?
I miss certain aspects in my life, but in the reality of it all. I have so much more now, than I had in the past. I have more knowledge of who I am, and what I want to become.
My goals are becoming somewhat attainable, and I suppose that also frightens me. I’m a dreamer. How can I dream about things if they actually start happening?
So wait, I live in the past, and I dream about my future? I sense a chunk of life missing somewhere in there.
Nonsense.
My thoughts are constantly thinking of what happened then and the wanting of those moments to happen again. I don’t live in the present, I don’t live in the here and now. The here and now happens, but I’m too caught up in the past to realize what’s going on, and how good I have it now. I’m so wrapped up in what’s missing that I once had. I don’t understand much of that.
There was nothing great about my past.
There’s been a lot of pain, a lot of lessons learned, and a lot of people leaving. Why then, am I still consumed with it?
I miss certain aspects in my life, but in the reality of it all. I have so much more now, than I had in the past. I have more knowledge of who I am, and what I want to become.
My goals are becoming somewhat attainable, and I suppose that also frightens me. I’m a dreamer. How can I dream about things if they actually start happening?
So wait, I live in the past, and I dream about my future? I sense a chunk of life missing somewhere in there.
Nonsense.
Ignorance Is Bliss
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
So, I feel like Jimmy Neutron.
“Brain Blast!”
I’ve reached a thought. It’s not that great of one, and I wish I didn’t arrive at it, but lately there’s just so much going on. So much going on in everyone’s life. So much pain and hurt and just, so .. Much. It’s ridiculous. Among all of this that’s going on, it feels like people as a society should be stepping in and helping each other and just being there for each other. In these times is when I realize we’re all alone. There’s no one that’s going to come to you to help you out. No one’s going to make a difference in anyone’s life. We’re given this time on earth, and what do we do with it? I feel like we take advantage of the time we have and what we do with it. We’re a set of selfish individuals, who are numb to other’s troubles.
The Bible teaches us to be loving, and to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Rom 12:15) So we’re suppose to feel for each other and sense when they are in need. We’re called to do this, but yet we don’t.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, or why I even bother thinking of ways to put thought to page. It’s irrelevant.
“Brain Blast!”
I’ve reached a thought. It’s not that great of one, and I wish I didn’t arrive at it, but lately there’s just so much going on. So much going on in everyone’s life. So much pain and hurt and just, so .. Much. It’s ridiculous. Among all of this that’s going on, it feels like people as a society should be stepping in and helping each other and just being there for each other. In these times is when I realize we’re all alone. There’s no one that’s going to come to you to help you out. No one’s going to make a difference in anyone’s life. We’re given this time on earth, and what do we do with it? I feel like we take advantage of the time we have and what we do with it. We’re a set of selfish individuals, who are numb to other’s troubles.
The Bible teaches us to be loving, and to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Rom 12:15) So we’re suppose to feel for each other and sense when they are in need. We’re called to do this, but yet we don’t.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, or why I even bother thinking of ways to put thought to page. It’s irrelevant.
Day 30: A Motto or Philosophy
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Here's to the last day of November (:
Motto or Philosophy:
"You cannot live your life looking at yourself from someone else's point of view"-Penelope Cruz
“Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.”- Eleanor Roosevelt
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” -Eleanor Roosevelt
Motto or Philosophy:
"You cannot live your life looking at yourself from someone else's point of view"-Penelope Cruz
“Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.”- Eleanor Roosevelt
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” -Eleanor Roosevelt
I think their all true, and I'm working on believing in them.
Day 29: Hopes, Dreams, And Plans You Have For The Next 365 Days
Monday, November 29, 2010
Hopes, Dreams, and Plans for the next year.
Well, guessing that the people who reads these blogs, if any, are people who actually have met me and know a little about me. Which I suppose even if they never have, probably know a bit about me now. I'd say that of the people who do know a little, know that I usually over-analyze my life and plans for the future to the point of it sounding ridiculous. I used to have my life established out by the years of my life and what goals I would have accomplished by those years. It was pretty idiotic. I still have plans for my life, and they still have a rough time range around them, but right now I feel like everything is on hold.
I want to get my EMT basics, and I've wanted to for the past two years. It continues to be on hold. I'm not sure if it is on hold because of me and my laziness, or if it's just not God's plan for me. I've attempted getting into the class at least three times, three different semesters and it just never pans out. This disappoints me because I'm lost if I don't know how to go about getting this. It's unclear to me the exact reason of why I even want this. It's nothing to do with my field of interest but yet I still feel a strong passion to go for this. I used to think I was suppose to get this to help out with a mission project that I'm passionate about. It has to do with Sex trafficking, called Phas 3 and the link is in the "Links of Interest" section on here. Anyways, I wanted to get that so that I could go on a mission and actually help, but that mission is in a month and therefore out of the picture.
I have hoped to have gotten a job since last January, and it's been a full blown year, and here I'm sitting on my couch occupying myself with a blog. Yeah, I am still in school, but I feel that that is also going no where. I don't put much effort into my studies and I feel absolutely no desire to go to class and sit through this junk that I feel is so irrelevant to life. I wanted/ still want a job in a nursing home, or just a job with meaning.
A job that gives me a meaning, or a reason to my life. A reason to wake up in the morning and actually go through with my day. A reason to not just waste my life away and lay in bed or just sit at starbucks. My life is beginning to feel excessively pointless.
I suppose over the next year, I want to establish a job, continue teaching the middle school d-groups, get my EMT basics, and put together an actual plan to go on a missions trip. To me, this seems like a logical plan that can happen if I go for it. I'm not sure if I'm still over reaching and just living my life in a dreamland. We'll find out.
Well, guessing that the people who reads these blogs, if any, are people who actually have met me and know a little about me. Which I suppose even if they never have, probably know a bit about me now. I'd say that of the people who do know a little, know that I usually over-analyze my life and plans for the future to the point of it sounding ridiculous. I used to have my life established out by the years of my life and what goals I would have accomplished by those years. It was pretty idiotic. I still have plans for my life, and they still have a rough time range around them, but right now I feel like everything is on hold.
I want to get my EMT basics, and I've wanted to for the past two years. It continues to be on hold. I'm not sure if it is on hold because of me and my laziness, or if it's just not God's plan for me. I've attempted getting into the class at least three times, three different semesters and it just never pans out. This disappoints me because I'm lost if I don't know how to go about getting this. It's unclear to me the exact reason of why I even want this. It's nothing to do with my field of interest but yet I still feel a strong passion to go for this. I used to think I was suppose to get this to help out with a mission project that I'm passionate about. It has to do with Sex trafficking, called Phas 3 and the link is in the "Links of Interest" section on here. Anyways, I wanted to get that so that I could go on a mission and actually help, but that mission is in a month and therefore out of the picture.
I have hoped to have gotten a job since last January, and it's been a full blown year, and here I'm sitting on my couch occupying myself with a blog. Yeah, I am still in school, but I feel that that is also going no where. I don't put much effort into my studies and I feel absolutely no desire to go to class and sit through this junk that I feel is so irrelevant to life. I wanted/ still want a job in a nursing home, or just a job with meaning.
A job that gives me a meaning, or a reason to my life. A reason to wake up in the morning and actually go through with my day. A reason to not just waste my life away and lay in bed or just sit at starbucks. My life is beginning to feel excessively pointless.
I suppose over the next year, I want to establish a job, continue teaching the middle school d-groups, get my EMT basics, and put together an actual plan to go on a missions trip. To me, this seems like a logical plan that can happen if I go for it. I'm not sure if I'm still over reaching and just living my life in a dreamland. We'll find out.
Day 28: A Scar You Have And Its Story
Sunday, November 28, 2010
I only have a few scars. I'll tell you the one that had the most pain.
I was in seventh grade, we were on a field trip as a school. Location: skating center.
I used to be a pretty good rollerblader, ya know, back in the day :P So one of my friends wanted me to do the little competition of a race with my other schoolmates. I don't really recall much else to do with the race after that, I don't know whether I slipped on a little pebble or if someone actually did trip me, because my friends told me all different sorts of scenarios of what they thought they saw. Anyways, I remember landing flat on my chin, I saw the looks of all my classmates standing around the rink. They all had looks of horror. I was pretty embarrassed so I started to just get up. One of the football coaches/ history teachers jumped over the ledge and was at my side in about negative five seconds, and they had my mom on the phone immediately. I put my hands up to my chin and was half way through the statement of, "It's okay, I'm fine..." when I looked down at both of my hands and saw the crimson color staining them. At that point I freaked out into a panic. In the attempt to stop the bloodflow they put butterfly band-aids on my wound. My mom was over at the center in moments and was freaking out when she saw all the paper towels with my blood upon them. We rushed to the hospital. My doctor put in the stitches. I don't remember how many there were, but the gash is about two centimeters. I imagine the reason why there was so much blood was because it was under my chin. It's a pretty vulnerable place in the center of all of that jaw bone.
We'll I gave up skating, rollerblading, and just about any other sport involving high speeds and wheels. I haven't done anything like that since the incident and honestly I don't plan on ever doing that again. Call me a panzy :P
I was in seventh grade, we were on a field trip as a school. Location: skating center.
I used to be a pretty good rollerblader, ya know, back in the day :P So one of my friends wanted me to do the little competition of a race with my other schoolmates. I don't really recall much else to do with the race after that, I don't know whether I slipped on a little pebble or if someone actually did trip me, because my friends told me all different sorts of scenarios of what they thought they saw. Anyways, I remember landing flat on my chin, I saw the looks of all my classmates standing around the rink. They all had looks of horror. I was pretty embarrassed so I started to just get up. One of the football coaches/ history teachers jumped over the ledge and was at my side in about negative five seconds, and they had my mom on the phone immediately. I put my hands up to my chin and was half way through the statement of, "It's okay, I'm fine..." when I looked down at both of my hands and saw the crimson color staining them. At that point I freaked out into a panic. In the attempt to stop the bloodflow they put butterfly band-aids on my wound. My mom was over at the center in moments and was freaking out when she saw all the paper towels with my blood upon them. We rushed to the hospital. My doctor put in the stitches. I don't remember how many there were, but the gash is about two centimeters. I imagine the reason why there was so much blood was because it was under my chin. It's a pretty vulnerable place in the center of all of that jaw bone.
We'll I gave up skating, rollerblading, and just about any other sport involving high speeds and wheels. I haven't done anything like that since the incident and honestly I don't plan on ever doing that again. Call me a panzy :P
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