Numbers, Gold, and Green.

We are all but a number.
We are given a number at birth.
When we turn 16 we're given a driver's licence number.
We attend a school that labels us with a student number.
 The banks code us to a bank account number.
We get a job, and receive an associate number.
 They pay us with direct deposit that sends this,
 "hypothetical money" to that bank account number,
that says we have a certain number inside it.
 And that NUMBER is the number of our self worth.

When you stand back, and realize how simplistic our society has become, you realize how low we stooped. People kill, steal, fight, argue, and live for this silly little number that we've put so much stress on.

Money, in this nation, used to be backed by how much gold we had.
Gold, a precious metal. A rarity. 
We replaced gold with paper.
Copyrighted, counterfeited paper.

Nowadays we replaced the lackluster paper with a dollar sign and a bank account.

So this, hypothetical idealistic sense of worth that we've created has consumed a huge portion of my worries. I find myself anxious most days over this stupid materialistic thing, and all for what? This paper? This hypothetical waste of people's thoughts, hopes, fantasies, desires, and entire life's meaning (in many cases).

Pretty dumb huh?
But what would you do for a buck, a bill, a dollar, some dough, or a lil green?

Update: Singularity

Adjustment.

Adjustments are necessary and they take time to play out. I feel like I've adjusted back to how it was, back to me pleasing me, and focusing on the things that I want in life. I've noticed lately a sense of anger/bitterness over the situation and I'm done with that. I'm done with letting other people have an impact on my emotions.

It's back to the priorities.

God
Education
Career
Family

I feel like I've learned a lot through this last break up. I've learned to not compromise what you want, to not look past the "little things" because those things WILL add up. I've learned that there are some character traits I appreciate and need in my life, and some that I can live with out.

Things happen for a reason, and I'm still figuring that reasoning out.
In God's time I'll get to where ever He needs me to be.

Singularity

Being single, simply, just sucks.

You get used to a certain way, a certain method, routine, lifestyle. You get used to the companionship, the dependability, the comfort of not being alone.

I don't understand myself most of the time. I want something. I think I know what it is. I get it, and all to find out that again, I'm not sure if it's what I wanted.

I got into a relationship with someone I thought was the perfect match for me. I got into a relationship with my best guy friend at the time. Sounded like a Taylor Swift song. Too good to be true. Was so certain, so dead set that it would work out.

When things felt off, I tried ignoring it, tried telling myself it was just a phase of my emotions. Tried convincing myself I was going to marry him. That I wanted my life to be with him.

He's a great guy, and I know he'll be perfect for someone. I'm almost sure that someone is no longer me.

It kills me to think about how my life could have been. Where my life would have ended up.

It kills me to realize that I'm 20 years old, and I have ABSOLUTELY no clue what I'm doing. I haven't the slightest idea what's on the road ahead of me.

I feel so lost, and alone, living life as a single again.

Humor Me Not

http://nicolepalafox.blogspot.com/

• "Never break up with someone in a public place. ESPECIALLY if its somewhere that you frequent often! If it's a bad split, you don't want to be a babbling idiot inside Starbucks crying over the bad memory of heartache over morning coffee. Go somewhere that has NO significant meaning to you. "

Randomly clicking across someone's blog on my blogger account to find this. ^ 

Wow. I wish some people would have read this information about a week ago. Would have made a bit of a difference. God must have a pretty big sense of humor here. 

Hoarding Our Lives Away

Once there was a people who surveyed the resources of the world and said to each other: “How can we be sure that we will have enough in hard times? We want to survive whatever happens. Let us start collecting food, materials and knowledge so that we are safe and secure if a crisis occurs.” So they started hoarding. So much and so eagerly that the other peoples protested and said: “You have so much more than you need, while we don’t have enough to survive. Give us part of your wealth!” But the fearful hoarders said: “No, no we need to keep this in case of emergency, in case things go bad for us too, in case our lives are threatened.” But the others said: “We are dying now, please give us food and materials and knowledge to survive. We can’t wait… we are dying now!”

Then the fearful hoarders became even more fearful since they became afraid that the poor and hungry people would attack them. So they said to one another: “Let us build walls around our wealth so that no stranger can take it from us.” They started erecting walls so high that they could not even see anymore whether their enemies we outside the walls or not! As their fear increased they put bombs at the top of their walls so that nobody from outside would even dare to come close. But instead of feeling safe and secure behind their armed walls they found themselves trapped in the prison they had built with their own fear. They even became afraid of their own bombs, wondering if they might harm themselves more than their enemy. And gradually they realize that their fear of death had brought them closer to it. – Henry Nouwen


The above parable is from the book Red Letters by Tom Davis who has an inserted parable written by Henry Nouwen. The below link is a blog I found from a missionary serving in Uganda that had a related topic.


http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/2008/07/last-night-there-was-rat-in-my-room.html

She says it better, and I agree. Most of us are living life too paralyzed by fear to do the things we should, the things that are expected of us, and the lives we're meant to lead.

Red Letters

"We can't reach far enough to offer compassion because our arms are too busy holding all that we own." -- Tom Davis

Life, Death, and the In between

We learn to be alive, 
And in that, 
We learn we'll once die. 
And we learn to appreciate, 
All the moments in between. 


What do you do when life becomes an unstoppable nightmare?

http://www.pdf.org/en/factsheets

Father, I pray my dad has undeniable strength in the days/months/years/decades to come. Father, I pray he wakes up and realizes he has so much meaning in his life, so much purpose, and so much love around him. I pray for pain free days and uncountable bursts of laughter. For meaningful conversations and days of wonderment and joy. I pray for doctors with answers, friends with hope, and family with warmth. 


Thank you Father, for bringing my family together in this, I pray that we continue to grow closer through out the rest of my life. 

Little Miracles

We take our miracles where we find them. We reach across the gap and sometimes, against all odds, against all logic, we touch. - Grey's Anatomy

Honest

I'm sorry I get frustrated.
I'm sorry I'm irrational.
I'm sorry I don't take the time,
    to appreciate the moment,
    to appreciate you.

I'm sorry I'm stubborn,
      thickheaded,
      and impossible.

I'm sorry,
      I miss you.

Things We Say

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves. -- Grey's Anatomy

Why worry?

Luke 12:25
             25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?

  It never fails, I always get caught up in worrying about all the things I have no control over. I know at the end of the day it's all in God's hands, however, I can't keep myself from thinking the worst in every situation.

I need to pass the national test.
                  I worry I won't pass, because that's the worst that could happen.
                  If I don't pass I won't be able to get another job soon and end up being a failure.


I need to get another job.
                  Hours are being cut dramatically and I'm barely making anything.
                  It's dreadful going to work there and I'm sick of feeling worthless.


I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life.
                  All of the unknown aspects are driving me insane.


I want the doctors to figure out what's wrong with my daddy.
                  ... And this one is the one that matters. This is the one I have absolutely no control over.
                  I want my dad to be happy. I want my dad to be healthy. I want my dad to live forever.
                  Isn't that what all children want of their parents? Is it asking to much?

I know there's kids out there, everyday, who don't have what I have. I know I'm blessed more than I'll ever know. I should have nothing to complain about.

Father, whatever happens to me, and my life, whether it's failing out of school, not finding another job, or never figuring out what my life's purpose is, just keep my father healthy. He deserves the best life. Please comfort him, while he's in pain. Encourage him, when he's in doubt. Heal him, if he's sick. 
Thank you Father, for all the blessings you've placed in my life. 

Here we go...

Father, tomorrow will be the first big step into the plan I believe You have for me.
       Simply stated,
       Help me through my test tomorrow Father. I want to do work for You, and I think this is how I'm suppose to do it. Guide my thought process as I read the answers and I know You'll stay with me through the end.

Thank you Father, for bring me to where I am today.

Investments for the new year

I'm excited to buy one of these :)

http://www.oneworldfutbol.com/shop/

Distance

... Distance.
 Continual,
 Perpetual.

 Seasons. I don't care much for seasons. The way the change too often and bring about different weather, right when I've just gotten used to the previous one. They bring in different air, and different feelings.

 "Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), a form of depression that tends to occur as the days grow shorter in the fall and winter. It is believed that affected persons react adversely to the decreasing amount of light and the colder temperature as autumn and winter progress." - MedicineNet.com

 If you're reading this, I hope it explains my moods in winter....

Momma knows...

Uh, I absolutely hate being sick. I feel useless, just laying in bed, sleeping most of the day away. I have so much that needs to be done and so much that I should be doing, instead of lounging in my bed trying to down as much warm tea I possibly can, in order to get my voice back.

I've had a lot of time to think though.  A lot of time to think about my life and what I'm doing with it. Is my life being led by selfishness or am I living my life for God. It's times like these when I can turn back and analyze all the things I've done or said or thought. My long term life goals are still the same. I still plan on getting my EMT basic, finding a job, and eventually using it for His work. However, if I'm suppose to be doing it ultimately for Him, then why is it so easy to slack off in that class when I know I should be putting every effort of my being into it? I have so much work that I need to do for that class, so much to catch up on. I haven't put in the real effort into that class that it deserves but yet I tried so hard, and so long to get into the program. Why is it, that I've taken yet another opportunity for granted?

I've been asking myself those questions since the first week of class, when I noticed that my attention in that class drifted. I had nothing distracting me from that one goal. I knew what I wanted and I knew how to get it. Why then is it hard for me to concentrate on a subject that I'm usually pulled into concentrating on.

Here comes the end to all of it. Today I will catch up in this class.

• I will not fall into procrastination. 
• I will not put socialization in front of my goal. 
• I will not slack off. 

If this is truly the path that God has chosen for me, I will work towards it eagerly and with wholeheartedness. 

Father, I pray that you give me the ability to not lose focus. I pray that You inspire me to continue on with the class and give it all I can till it's over  (one month). I pray that You use me for Your will. Keep my eyes on You Father. - Amen. 

:) I hope I live my life like this.

Under an old brass paperweight is my list of things to do today
Go to the bank and the hardware store, put a new lock on the cellar door
I cross 'em off as I get 'em done but when the sun is set
There's still more than a few things left I haven't got to yet

Go for a walk, say a little prayer
Take a deep breath of mountain air
Put on my glove and play some catch
It's time that I make time for that
Wade the shore and cast a line
Look up a long lost friend of mine
Sit on the porch and give my girl a kiss
Start livin', that's the next thing on my list

Wouldn't change the course of fate but cuttin' the grass just had to wait
'Cause I've got more important things like pushin' my kid on the backyard swing
I won't break my back for a million bucks I can't take to my grave
So why put off for tomorrow what I could get done today

Like go for a walk, say a little prayer
Take a deep breath of mountain air
Put on my glove and play some catch
It's time that I make time for that
Wade the shore and cast a line
Look up a long lost friend of mine
Sit on the porch and give my girl a kiss
Start livin', that's the next thing on my list

Raise a little hell, laugh 'til it hurts
Put an extra five in the plate at church
Call up my folks just to chat
It's time that I make time for that
Stay up late, then oversleep
Show her what she means to me
Catch up on all the things I've always missed
Just start livin', that's the next thing on my list

Under an old brass paperweight
Is my list of things to do today

In the spirit of Thanksgiving...

I'd like to think back on all the things that I'm thankful to God for each day. Father, thank you for the life I have, the family I have (as dysfunctional as it may be :P ) and for the all the friends I've been blessed with.

Thank you Father, for taking me down the path of life I've chosen and showing me new things each day. Thank you for teaching me the lessons I've learned and allowing me to experiences every moment of it.

Thank you Father for the lessons to come and the experience that await me.

:)

Missions

“Missions is not the ultimate goal of the church. Worship is. Missions exists because worship doesn't.” - John Piper

Change

Change. We don't like it. We fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. It hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying, but here's the truth sometimes the more things change the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Sometimes change is everything. - Grey's Anatomy

180movie.com

http://heartchanger.com/getinvolved.php

This stuffs deep.