Futile

              So, I’m laying on my bed, Taylor Swift playing of course, and I’m just so lost. I need to know what’s going to happen in my life. I need to make things happen. I’m praying for Penney’s to call me for the job, but all I can do is pray. Maybe things will brighten up once I get a job? I’m not sure. I just know my life can’t continue on this down casting spiral. I’m going no where, and I’m getting there fast.  I don’t want to be that kid that lives at home with their parents until they’re thirty. I want, rather, need to be an individual living out on my own. I can’t handle all the bickering between my mom anymore. I mean, I sometimes understand where she is coming from, but it just seems like I’ll never be able to fix the mess I’ve made.
I don’t think she’ll ever think that it wasn’t my fault for being thrown out and just discarded by Uncle boy.
I know she blames me… I hear her tell me it all the time. Maybe it was my fault, I don’t know. I’m just so tired of everyone discarding me, like a worthless penny. I feel useless and unwanted. Will that ever change? I need a purpose to my life. I need an apartment. I can’t continue this way. No one wants me here, and I feel it all the time. My life is just pointless.  I just don’t know what’s going to turn out, out of all of this.
I mean, honestly, I’ll never see myself as a wife, nor a mother. So my life on earth is pretty transparent, it’s disposable. So why does God keep me here? What is His purpose for me here?
Maybe if I knew what His purpose was, I could be better at fulfilling it. I wish I knew.
Why would God love me? Why would he bother to have a plan for me? What makes me so special? I’m not special. I’m below average, and everyone knows it. So what could He be planning, for a worthless girl? No man could ever love me. So why should He?