Walk A Little Straighter

It’s done, it’s over;

The past, forever. 

The crumpling pavement, 

That was once firm,

Lies below treading paces. 

Though uneven steps, 

Land amongst wobbly feet, 

The surrounding debris, 

Will soften your fall.

Hold your head high for now, 

Till the heaviness dwindles, 

And all is suppressed, 

To contentment. 

26.106, -97.305

Open your eyes,

To blinding light. 

It’s white, 

It’s beauty, 

It hurts to endure. 

Purity in it’s deepest form. 

Concentrated perfection,  

Surrounds every sight. 

Close your eyes, 

To bare the intensity. 

It shines through

Your paper thin eyelids, 

Seeping through your inner most thoughts.

Those private areas hidden in darkness, 

Has light that lingers upon them. 

Confused in the brightness, 

Your mind is unable to decipher location. 

Where are you,

That you cannot see?

Where are you that, 

This light beams?

Where are you that, 

You cannot hide?

Jeremiah 1:5

So today, I ran across a website of http://911babies.com/ In doing so, I realized how cruel abortion is and finally have a stance against it. Not only is it cruel for the child being aborted, but also for the ones who were attempted to be aborted, and the women who are told that abortion is the best thing for them. Check out the website, and the 911 calls made for the women who had complications during the procedure. Below is a poem that stood out to me.

Abortion

So you think you’ve won a victory

Being allowed to kill

But man’s is not the final word

God will have His, still

God said to Jeremiah

As He says to you and me

“Before I formed thee in the womb,

I knew thee”

What gives you then the right to kill

And take a life away

When God has formed us in the womb

To see the light of day

Not so many years ago another crowd yelled “Kill”

As they led our blessed Saviour up Golgotha’s Hill

They too thought it a victory the day they saw Him die

But now be sure of this my friend, 

He’ll judge you by and by

Written by Gwen D’Aoust

Seasons

So, Today.
       Today spells change.

Change in life, change in thoughts, and change in goals.

I don’t know what it is about today, or why things seem so simple all of sudden, but I know it’s a good thing and I have optimism for what ever is going to happen.

"Not a thing I add, not a thing I bring

 can enhance Your love, change Your thoughts of me 

So in hope I’ll trust, to the cross I’ll cling to You 

Every drop of blood spilled at Calvary was so I could live 

was so I could sing so I give my life, Lay down everything to You"

E! Entertainment for the pros.

      So, I'm not quite sure why I'm on this poetry thing lately. Maybe cause it relieves me, maybe cause I wanna be famous :P Idk. I'm going to go with the first one. Anyways, life's been pretty strange lately. The daily hills and valleys, uppers and downers. I wonder why that is? Why do we go through all these twists and turns? Why can't things just be bliss? I suppose that would get boring over time. Makes me believe that God watches us like I watch E! entertainment. I think God knows that if everything was just bliss, then we would be lacking a lot to life. We wouldn't know the difference of when things are going great, and we would be robbed of our sanity over time. But in the same sense, going through all of this might make us go insane anyways. Guess God's complicated like that. I'll never understand His rhythm, but I'm probably not suppose to anyways so I suppose that that's all cool as well.

Things occur in cycles. We cycle through the bad and good. We cycle through life as a whole as well. Like I always believed, we come into the world in diapers and we'll leave in them too. God's got a sense of humor in that too.

I wonder how it feels to sit back and see so many people's lives in a flash. In one instance you see their birth, then what would seem like seconds later, you're attending their funeral. That would be pretty crazy. A power too much for one person to handle.

Well anyways, I'm done rambling.

... and all the hippies say, "Peace out, moon beam"

Word. 

Who are you?

Who am I?
       - This broken being.
       - This empty entity.
       - This shadowed soul.

Who am I?
       - But dismantled now.

The shattered mirror,
        Lies amongst the nights stars.
It glimmers in each pieces shard,
        Tells the tale a thousand ways.
Each one is different,
        All ending  the same.

Unfortunate.
Disbelief.
Abandonment.

Take a shard,

From ground so cold. 

Take a shard, 

Let it go. 

October's Night

Out the window,
     The grass flickers lightly.
A cricket’s cry,
      Profound and persistent.
A lightning bug,
      Glimmers here or there.
And the trees,
       They sing the sweetest of lullabies.

The moon sits full;
        It’s blanketed now,
       Beaming softly through the haze.
Darkness lingers below at times,
       Hosting shadows in the night,
       With the unknown not far from mind.

The cricket’s cry,
       Grows faint and feeble.
The lightning bug,
        Becomes dim and subdued.
The trees,
        They stand still with fear.

The stars shine bright,
         When the nights companion is stirred,
          Awakening the tranquility.
A leaf brushes past the window,
         Caught in the nature’s pictured seal.
          Brittle in earth’s genetic make-up.

The cricket,
          He’s long gone now.
The lightning bug,
           Flew to another lawn’s haven.
The trees,
           The leaves they change and fall in October’s notion.

Rolling Tide

Confusion lingers,
       Thoughts waiver.
The mind,
       It swims in drowning water.
The waves are deep;
       Trance like motion.

--  Slow it down --

A clash against abundant rock.
The cliff side battered,
       Broken, bruised.
The rock is shifted over time,
        It’s tainted to today’s confined.
Foam corrupts ancient stone.
Colored white
        In natures lie.

-- Return --

The mind,
        It rests on the ocean floor.
The waves remain above;
        Trance like motion.
Thoughts quiver
        Confusion dwells.

  

Mental Health Day

Mental Health Day

         Urban Dictionary Definition - A quasi-legitimate excuse to take a day off from school or work. Although the person who takes the day off claims he needs it to finish up some work and regain sanity from the rat race, he usually ends up sleeping in, and accomplishing less than nothing.
         
         Today was my mental health day. These days always remind me of the movie Speak, and the day that she rested in the hospital. Sometimes I wish I could do that. Just check into a hospital and forget about everything. Just relax and be relieved. Days like these are overwhelming, and I just need to step back and reevaluate my life, my choices, and all the things that happen that are out of my control. 

Gossip or Not?

     Sometimes I wonder how gossip starts. What is considered gossip? I find church hypocritical. Nothing makes sense. What's said in confidence is never really in "confidence". They justify this so called "gossip" as concern and consider it a good intention. But if what is being said, was never meant to be said to another individual, than that my friend, is considered unnecessary gossip which in all, is where the church system faults. How can we be expected as a group of Christian people, to follow through with everything we have been taught and "share our burdens" when those burdens are just used later as a conversational piece? Now I'm not saying I've never talked to someone before about my concern or just what I thought was "interesting" to someone else. I suppose right there I catch myself and recognize myself as a hypocrite. Then I wonder if what I do carries the same impact as a Leader who places them self in such a position that aspires heavy conversations that require emotions to be shared and feelings to involved greatly. In my opinion the weight of it all changes dramatically when it's coming from a Leader. I do not intend to gossip and most of the time I don't but all and all I know at times that I fall into the habit and I admit that it's something I'm working on.
     I don't know why this bugs me so much. It makes me question the system and how it works, and how it works inappropriately. I know the church is made of people and therefore can never be perfect. In that, I wonder why we gather as a church, and what the purpose is of gathering imperfect people together as a whole to create an imperfect body that is sometimes missing vital pieces.

The What If's

    Today, where to begin? It started out okay and everything I mean nothing fantastic but nothing horrible either. I dreaded going to class and school and all that jazz. Another day of anxiety attacks and awkward conversations. Another day ending in regret and wishing everything was so different. I cannot describe the amount of frustration I get from the fact that I get anxiety over the dumbest stuff. Seriously, how ridiculous is it to ask for a day of going to a church event and not receiving an enormous amount of anxiety for it.
    I regret ever starting anything with him. I wish nothing ever happened. I don't regret meeting him, but I do regret sharing feelings for each other. I wish things were so different. I wish I could go back and change so much. I can't describe the amount of feelings that I have for him. I can't describe how much pain I feel on a daily basis and how I try to pretend I'm not effected when every unanswered text or message kills me that much more inside. When I see his face I die a little more, and I want for it all to go away. I hate crying over him. I hate thinking that I feel like he was the only guy for me. I want him to be happy. I wish I could make his life easier, even though I know I can't and that we're not meant for each other. I pray that he finds happiness one day. True happiness and not just the act of putting on a show. I want him to love himself and know that he's worth as much as I think he is.
    Let tomorrow be a new day.

First entry. Here it goes?

        So I know this is all confusing if I say that this entry is actually my first, but this is where it begins. I created this account today and entered in the other entries so I'd have somewhere to begin from my previous journal.

Anyways, today was a meh kind of day. All in all, no complaints. Sometimes I wish things were so different than how they turned out. I look back on alot and I see where I faulted and I wonder why I did the things I did or said the things I said. I wonder what the purpose was in alot of it, and I wonder if today's sermon is true. I mean, I totally want to believe that God puts us in these situations to build our character, but sometimes I wonder if the second statement of "He will never give us anything we cannot handle" is true. I guess so far that statement stands to be true, because of course if I am alive and typing this God obviously has not given me anything I cannot handle. The pastor went over how faith is more than just knowing that if you pray for something that God will make sure that that happens. I mean how selfish of us as people, are we to believe that. That's like seeing the kid in the candy store who asks their momma for something and thinking that she'll automatically give it to them. Spoiled huh? Well no, faith is not that, faith is knowing that God will always be there for us. Well, that's what I learned today. I find that pretty interesting in that sometimes, it doesn't mean that in knowing that you have faith you believe the situation will be perfect in the end, it means that God will always be there for you, your ups and downs.

Sometimes, I feel like even though I receive the message and I get it, I wonder what good it does. I mean, who is this helping by teaching me? People are still in pain everyday. There are still people who are not being reached by the church and in particular people that I can't reach. When I go to church and I volunteer, who is that helping? I see the people who fall through the cracks in this system. I want them to be reached and sometimes I feel like my presence should be sacrificed in order to bring them into the church and for the leaders of the church to put their effort into them verses me. I have nothing to offer when I see so, so, so much potential in them. I know they will make a change.

"I could stand here for hours just to ask God the question, 'is everyone here make believe'"

              Sometimes I question life, and why things are the way they are. Why am I me, and you, you? What makes us so different, but yet so similar? But yet the unexplainable carries an explanation. Sometimes the explanation is found to be irrelevant or illogical but yet there is still an explanation, whether it is humanly possible or not. Then wouldn’t that be where God should come in? Hypothetically speaking (maybe) saying that God absolutely exists would mean that an explainable explanation is needless and that things exist solely based on the relevance that God sees in such a thing. Therefore our human minds cannot fathom God’s knowledge and why He does the things He does. So then why must we, as human beings, try to decipher everything and make it logically acceptable? If we, as a group, declare that there is a God, and are stronghold to that information, then why must we still question Him and His works? Furthermore, why must I question His works? I ask myself the questions, “Do you believe in a God?”, “Do you believe Jesus Christ died for your sins”, “Do you believe Christ was resurrected”, and “Do you believe that God created you in your inmost being?” and the answers I receive are yes all the way through, but yet, I still have difficulty believing that God created me and He created me with a purpose. So if I admit that God does have a purpose for me, then am I also admitting that I am worth something more than the nothing that I hold myself accountable for?

Stars and Satellites

Stars and satellites,

Long conversations, 

Debating irrelevance. 

Silence. 

Skin. 

Clasped hands, 

Warm embrace. 

Blonde hair, 

Scruffy beard, 

Your scent. 

Mixed emotions, 

Selfish tendencies, 

Illogical thinking. 

Wanting you, 

Feeling you, 

Knowing it’s mutual. 

Lost promises and false dreams. 

Will it fade? Doubt it. 

Solitude

Tonight, I miss him. I can’t forget the moments we had, nor do I want to. Not yet. I wish everything was different. I wish he chose me over the situation. Why does it hurt so much? When will the pain stop? I just want to go away. Leave this place, start over. New memories. Forget the old ones. He broke me. What was done can’t be undone. He took a part of me with him. Will I ever get a second chance? A chance to work it out, forget the past and move forward with each other. I deserve that much don’t I? Everything just sucks. Why him? Why couldn’t I fall for someone who wasn’t in his situation? I knew it would never work out, but yet I wanted it to so badly. I wanted him to always be there. He promised he would. He promised a lot of things. That he would be my friend through what ever happened. Things change I guess. Promises are meant to be broken. Feelings are meant to change. People get over people. Why can’t I? How long will I be hung up on this kid? I know he doesn’t feel the same way about me. Probably never thinks of me anymore, but why must I hope for so much.
Why do I think of him every night before I sleep?
Why do I dream of the fairytale ending?

Him waiting outside of my house, back up against his camero. Just standing there, waiting. Wanting me and no one else. Saying he never forgot about me. That he wanted me every time I thought of him. That he just needed her to get out of the picture long enough for us to have a complete chance.
Why won’t he have me back?
This pain I feel I can no longer endure. It hurts too much. Flashbacks and empty promises.

The day at the park, long walks, muddy grass. I wanted that night to last a lifetime. It ended too soon, too fast. I want it back. I want him to hold me like he did that night. Just hold me. No impurities. Just two people in a park, watching the cars pass by and deciphering stars and satellites. My head on your shoulder, your hand in mine. I miss you.


Words that are too familiar to me.
They seem meaningless now that you ignore them.
I want them to mean something.
To make your feelings change.
To make you come back to me.
To make you hold me in your arms again.
Warmth, safety, desire.

Happy Birthday Daddy.

Take this pen,

And draw a line. 

Winding roads,

Long hour drives;

Forge the lines to create an image;

Bind them with your mind.

Meaningful converses,

And those awkward moments.

These memories unfold,

This story untold.

Forget, 

Repress,

Express. 

We share these times,

For a purpose.

Share them freely,

In hopes of impact. 

25 Things

Rules:
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I'm half Hawaiian, half white.
2. I like to diagnose myself as a way of compensating for what I dislike.
3. I think I have social anxiety disorder.
4. I hate being in overly crowded places, or places where I don't know anyone.
5. If I had the choice I'd lock myself in a room away from people and the world.
6. I like everything to be perfect and in it's intentional place.
7. I like to cook, but rarely do. 
8. Drawing and art is a favorite past time. 
9. I love sushi. 
10. I graduated early and sometimes I regret it. 
11. There's alot of things that I would want to change in my past but never would, cus it'd change who I am      today. 
12. I worry about everything. 
13. Someday I'd like to publish a book. (Not sure about what yet)
14. I absolutely love History novels. 
15. The national geographic channel fascinates me. 
16. People call me ocd. I call them stupid. 
17. I can't stand the smell of smoke. 
18. I'm the worst procrastinator at when it comes to my own work but for some reason I love doing others work. 
19. I talk way to much. 
20. I'm oblivious to most things. 
21.Have an extremely retarded attention span and usually stop paying attention in classes within the first few minutes. 
23. I hate people who eat with there mouths open. It's rude, and disgusting. 
24. I usually take things very personally even if they're not intended to be. 
25. I want to be a forensic anthropologist.

Food for Thought

Some Interesting Side notes to my life include: 

Hate wearing shoes. :P
Has a pretty short attention span. 
Loves facts that are irrelevant to life. 
Huge procrastinator. 
Likes singing,...but only in my car. 
Wants everything in order. /exact/
Favorite number is two. 
Dislikes my name. /A lot/
Says "crap",”idk”, and “whatever” a lot.
Dislikes math. /with a passion/
Wants cowboy boots. (still!)
Absolutely love Gilmore Girls. 
In love with coffee & brownies. 
Historical novels are the best. 
My car's a piece of crap, and I'm aware. 
Wants an old beat up truck. 
Music is my refuge. : )
You're never too old to have a bed full of stuffed animals. 
My Daddy is a super hero (and Santa). 
Reba is the Queen of Country, and will always be. Sorry Taylor :(
And Shania sucks for giving up a career for a family. Psshhh who does that?!

Answer me this?

I lay here for hours,

I wait for Your answer, 

I pray for Your guidance, 

But I’m deaf to Your words. 

Help me hear Your crystalline voice,

Your indefinite knowledge,

Your unconditional love. 

For You are the answer, 

I’m starving myself for. 

For You are the guidance, 

I’m seeking within.

For You are my key, 

To my tangled endeavor, 

Locked and wedged between it all. 

My Daddy Tales Time

Like a clock, 

You tell the time. 

The time you told me, 

How to make a dime. 

I listened to you then; untrue, 

But I listen to you now, 

And realize just how much you knew. 

Through money, politics, and common sense,

You taught me lessons that were intense.

I love you Daddy, 

This much is true, 

So keep on teaching me things anew.