So my anxiety has returned. Shocker, I know. I figured since I haven't been sleeping lately, with that tight feeling in my chest (that kind that makes it feel like some four-hundred-and-some-odd pound man is patiently sitting on my ribs). Then they're is also this odd twitching that's been happening above my left elbow for a little over a week. Yeah, I thought that last one was odd too.
Anyways, since I'm still awake, and writing is suppose to be a sort of therapy, I decided I'll write out my stressors (the one's I deny having).
1: Dad.
His Parkinson's is always continually progressing. Even as much as I want to deny it, I see it everyday. He gets to that one step, the only real step in the house that separates the interior house with the den. He raises one foot trying to surpass it and then, starts into this rhythmical motion of back and forth. Almost as if he is playing cat and mouse with an invisible kitten, teasing it with a foot and then retracting it as the kitten tries to play. He get's caught in this little "game" for minutes at a time. Had it not been for the disease, one might even find it comical. However, anytime my father goes into an episode brought on by Pdf, whether it be as the one I just described or a vast other in option, my wonderful daughter skills kick in and I'm self consciously forced to escape the area. Do you know how pathetic that seems? Do you know how horrible it is, to see him, to see my wonderful father who has raised me, brought me up to be the person I am, act like that? Does no one realize that it's not JUST him going through this? I want to scream it at the top of my lungs! I just want one person to understand that I can't do this. With all of my being, I wish I could. I wish I could be the perfect daughter, and be there for him at all times. I wish it didn't kill me to know that he's deteriorating. I so WISH that I could take all of his pain away, all of his embarrassment, all of his tears. I wish, for once, I was able to do something right.
Instead, I'm this bystander. For example: tonight, it happened, that same exact experience described happened, and what did Tiffany do? She made up some excuse to leave the house. Said she was meeting a friend. Reality? She around town for thirty minutes, then parked in the public library parking lot and waited an hour until her parents would be headed to bed. Had no plans, no place to be, nothing. Just a lame excuse so that I didn't have to see the pain in his eyes.
How pathetic am I?
And then, to top all of this off, I have the audacity to believe within all my dad's pain and suffering, I'm concerned with the hypothetical fact that I may have a chance of getting the disease he has. I'm so self centered that I'm concerned of myself, a (as far as I know) healthy individual. I'm so scared that I'll have some signs or symptoms of that that I lay restless in my bed.
2: School.
So this whole semester all I've been doing is repeating a program I took last year. Not because I failed it, but because the school lost it's accreditation and another school wouldn't let me proceed unless I retook it at their own facility. Money scam? Yeah, I'm totally aware. This program has been far more difficult than my last one, and I've been struggling to keep up with my studies. Included in all of that, I've had class, lab, rideouts of 72 hours, exams, a driving portion, and to top it all off, the national registry.
I was scheduled to take the NR today, in which, some miracle happened and I passed it.
I've been so stressed out this past couple months studying for class and that test.
Now I have four more finals to look at completing, and one more set of ride outs.
3: Money.
My job at the Halloween store is way overdue. I'm running off of the money that I saved up by it, including the money that I earned to pay off school. I'm still in debt... forever will be. I passed the NR so that means I can start looking for work. Which brings me to another stressor. I need to find a job, need to schedule an appointment with the president of the hospital, fix my resume, and apply anywhere and everywhere. I need money, and just like that commercial, I need money now.
4: Vehicle.
5: WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?
6: Future
As in #5, I have no clue where my life is headed. I have mental breakdowns when I realize this. I don't have a set goal like I always have had in the past. I don't know where I'm going to end up. I have so many questions about everything and at the end of it I'm left with a huge question mark imprinted straight on my forehead.
I'm sure there is so much more, but for now, I feel sleep coming and a slight weight loss of that four-hundred-and-some-odd pound man.
Harlingen
This blackened whirlwind,
a darkened town,
It sucks me deep:
Within it I'll drown.
I gasp for air,
Sometimes succeed,
However the current...
It's so hard to breath.
Further and further,
It pulls me in,
Until there is nothing,
Left in me to fend.
I beg and I plead,
Try to fight my way out.
This town has no mercy.
Within it I shout.
The valley is low,
That river lay deep,
I want to move out,
but it poses a great steep.
a darkened town,
It sucks me deep:
Within it I'll drown.
I gasp for air,
Sometimes succeed,
However the current...
It's so hard to breath.
Further and further,
It pulls me in,
Until there is nothing,
Left in me to fend.
I beg and I plead,
Try to fight my way out.
This town has no mercy.
Within it I shout.
The valley is low,
That river lay deep,
I want to move out,
but it poses a great steep.
"From The Inside Out"
Sunday, November 18, 2012
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out
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