November's Plan

So, it’s Halloween, meaning November 1st is tomorrow. Meaning, I get to start something that I’ve been waiting to do because I think it will be interesting. I got it off of someone else’s blog, which they just finished doing.

Day 1: A favorite song
Day 2: A favorite movie
Day 3: A favorite book
Day 4: A favorite television program
Day 5: A favorite quote
Day 6: A moment you wish you could relive
Day 7: Five things you couldn't possibly live without
Day 8: A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life
Day 9: A photo you took
Day 10: A photo of you taken over 10 years ago
Day 11: A photo of you taken recently
Day 12: A song you want played at your wedding (or was played)
Day 13: A guilty pleasure
Day 14: A vacation you would like to take
Day 15: A person you admire
Day 16: A song that makes you cry
Day 17: An art piece
Day 18: A time when you felt passionate and alive
Day 19: A talent of yours
Day 20: A hobby of yours
Day 21: Something you know you do differently than most people
Day 22: A website
Day 23: A way in which you want to be remembered
Day 24: A movie no one would expect you to love
Day 25: A recipe
Day 26: A childhood memory
Day 27: A physical feature you love
Day 28: A scar you have and its story
Day 29: Hopes, dreams, and plans you have for the next 365 days
Day 30: A motto or philosophy

So here goes the month of November (:

Ponder, ponder.

            Over the past few days, I’ve been given the chance to think and analyze life. Not just my life, but life in general. The life of the people I care about, people I don’t know, and all the people who are affected by what goes on around them. Everything is so complex and interwoven. They say life starts with a cell, one cell. To think that everything that’s on this planet was created through a cell, one tiny cell, makes me believe how fragile we all are. We are a being, placed together by the use of a cell that is duplicated and recycled in daily living. We go through countless amounts of cells, we shed them all around. This thing that we are so careless to dispose of is what makes us who we are. It gives us the characteristics that we are known for. The combination of our DNA predicts what gender we will be, how tall we will reach, the color of our eyes and hair, and the mindset we will arrive at. When I think of all of this, I think of how great our God must be.
            Take a look around you now. What do you see? Within the walls of my room is a door, created from earth’s own trees, a blanket, woven together with once fresh cotton, and paint splashed walls, created by the pigment stolen from the world’s pallet.
            Then there are people. People aren’t like a door, a blanket, or a bucket of paint. People are complicated and consist of millions of characteristics that make us unique individuals who are all so very, very different. In those millions of characteristics there are millions of things that could go wrong at any given time. Cancer may strike, illness may hit, and health may deteriorate. Thoughts go wrong, depression strikes. Will they take a life out of anger or confusion? Accidents will occur, along with everything else. At the end of the day, I come to realize that everything lies on a fragile thread.
We go to sleep, and we wake up thinking that everything will be how it was before our head hit the pillow, but everyday is a blessing, even if all we do is wake up. I take that for granted. I take people for granted. I take everything in my life for granted and I ignore the fact that I  have been blessed, and I am a very fortunate person.
            Everyone spins through there own solar system of confusion and conflict, and we all are so oblivious to everything that is going on in peoples’ lives around us. When I realize how much is going on, I feel overwhelmed and anxious and just want to sit and ponder by myself. That is what these past few days have been.

            Thank you God, for placing me where I am at in Your world. Protect those I care about, and all the people I don’t know. Be with the needing and the hurting, and I pray that one day I’ll meet them on better terms. In Your sweet name, Amen.

Light up the sky - The Afters

So to follow up my ponder post, I thought I'd add the lyrics to this song. This song describes everything that I feel right now. 

When I'm feeling all alone 

With so far to go 

The signs are no where on this road 

Guiding me home 

When the night is closing in 

Is falling on my skin 

Oh God will You come close? 

(Chorus) 

Light light light up the sky 

You light up the sky to show me You are with me 

I I I can't deny 

No I can't deny that You are right here with me 

You've opened my eyes 

So I can see You all around me 

Light light light up the sky 

You light up the sky to show me 

That You are with me 

When stars are hiding in the clouds 

I don't feel them shining 

When I can't see You beyond my doubt 

The silver lining 

When I've almost reached the end 

Like a flood You're rushing in 

Your love is rushing in 

(Chorus) 

So I run straight into Your arms 

You're the bright and morning sun 

To show Your love there's nothing You won't do 

(Chorus) 

That You are with me 

That You are with me

You light up the sky, to show me You are with me. 

Walk A Little Straighter

It’s done, it’s over;

The past, forever. 

The crumpling pavement, 

That was once firm,

Lies below treading paces. 

Though uneven steps, 

Land amongst wobbly feet, 

The surrounding debris, 

Will soften your fall.

Hold your head high for now, 

Till the heaviness dwindles, 

And all is suppressed, 

To contentment. 

26.106, -97.305

Open your eyes,

To blinding light. 

It’s white, 

It’s beauty, 

It hurts to endure. 

Purity in it’s deepest form. 

Concentrated perfection,  

Surrounds every sight. 

Close your eyes, 

To bare the intensity. 

It shines through

Your paper thin eyelids, 

Seeping through your inner most thoughts.

Those private areas hidden in darkness, 

Has light that lingers upon them. 

Confused in the brightness, 

Your mind is unable to decipher location. 

Where are you,

That you cannot see?

Where are you that, 

This light beams?

Where are you that, 

You cannot hide?

Jeremiah 1:5

So today, I ran across a website of http://911babies.com/ In doing so, I realized how cruel abortion is and finally have a stance against it. Not only is it cruel for the child being aborted, but also for the ones who were attempted to be aborted, and the women who are told that abortion is the best thing for them. Check out the website, and the 911 calls made for the women who had complications during the procedure. Below is a poem that stood out to me.

Abortion

So you think you’ve won a victory

Being allowed to kill

But man’s is not the final word

God will have His, still

God said to Jeremiah

As He says to you and me

“Before I formed thee in the womb,

I knew thee”

What gives you then the right to kill

And take a life away

When God has formed us in the womb

To see the light of day

Not so many years ago another crowd yelled “Kill”

As they led our blessed Saviour up Golgotha’s Hill

They too thought it a victory the day they saw Him die

But now be sure of this my friend, 

He’ll judge you by and by

Written by Gwen D’Aoust

Seasons

So, Today.
       Today spells change.

Change in life, change in thoughts, and change in goals.

I don’t know what it is about today, or why things seem so simple all of sudden, but I know it’s a good thing and I have optimism for what ever is going to happen.

"Not a thing I add, not a thing I bring

 can enhance Your love, change Your thoughts of me 

So in hope I’ll trust, to the cross I’ll cling to You 

Every drop of blood spilled at Calvary was so I could live 

was so I could sing so I give my life, Lay down everything to You"

E! Entertainment for the pros.

      So, I'm not quite sure why I'm on this poetry thing lately. Maybe cause it relieves me, maybe cause I wanna be famous :P Idk. I'm going to go with the first one. Anyways, life's been pretty strange lately. The daily hills and valleys, uppers and downers. I wonder why that is? Why do we go through all these twists and turns? Why can't things just be bliss? I suppose that would get boring over time. Makes me believe that God watches us like I watch E! entertainment. I think God knows that if everything was just bliss, then we would be lacking a lot to life. We wouldn't know the difference of when things are going great, and we would be robbed of our sanity over time. But in the same sense, going through all of this might make us go insane anyways. Guess God's complicated like that. I'll never understand His rhythm, but I'm probably not suppose to anyways so I suppose that that's all cool as well.

Things occur in cycles. We cycle through the bad and good. We cycle through life as a whole as well. Like I always believed, we come into the world in diapers and we'll leave in them too. God's got a sense of humor in that too.

I wonder how it feels to sit back and see so many people's lives in a flash. In one instance you see their birth, then what would seem like seconds later, you're attending their funeral. That would be pretty crazy. A power too much for one person to handle.

Well anyways, I'm done rambling.

... and all the hippies say, "Peace out, moon beam"

Word. 

Who are you?

Who am I?
       - This broken being.
       - This empty entity.
       - This shadowed soul.

Who am I?
       - But dismantled now.

The shattered mirror,
        Lies amongst the nights stars.
It glimmers in each pieces shard,
        Tells the tale a thousand ways.
Each one is different,
        All ending  the same.

Unfortunate.
Disbelief.
Abandonment.

Take a shard,

From ground so cold. 

Take a shard, 

Let it go. 

October's Night

Out the window,
     The grass flickers lightly.
A cricket’s cry,
      Profound and persistent.
A lightning bug,
      Glimmers here or there.
And the trees,
       They sing the sweetest of lullabies.

The moon sits full;
        It’s blanketed now,
       Beaming softly through the haze.
Darkness lingers below at times,
       Hosting shadows in the night,
       With the unknown not far from mind.

The cricket’s cry,
       Grows faint and feeble.
The lightning bug,
        Becomes dim and subdued.
The trees,
        They stand still with fear.

The stars shine bright,
         When the nights companion is stirred,
          Awakening the tranquility.
A leaf brushes past the window,
         Caught in the nature’s pictured seal.
          Brittle in earth’s genetic make-up.

The cricket,
          He’s long gone now.
The lightning bug,
           Flew to another lawn’s haven.
The trees,
           The leaves they change and fall in October’s notion.

Rolling Tide

Confusion lingers,
       Thoughts waiver.
The mind,
       It swims in drowning water.
The waves are deep;
       Trance like motion.

--  Slow it down --

A clash against abundant rock.
The cliff side battered,
       Broken, bruised.
The rock is shifted over time,
        It’s tainted to today’s confined.
Foam corrupts ancient stone.
Colored white
        In natures lie.

-- Return --

The mind,
        It rests on the ocean floor.
The waves remain above;
        Trance like motion.
Thoughts quiver
        Confusion dwells.

  

Mental Health Day

Mental Health Day

         Urban Dictionary Definition - A quasi-legitimate excuse to take a day off from school or work. Although the person who takes the day off claims he needs it to finish up some work and regain sanity from the rat race, he usually ends up sleeping in, and accomplishing less than nothing.
         
         Today was my mental health day. These days always remind me of the movie Speak, and the day that she rested in the hospital. Sometimes I wish I could do that. Just check into a hospital and forget about everything. Just relax and be relieved. Days like these are overwhelming, and I just need to step back and reevaluate my life, my choices, and all the things that happen that are out of my control. 

Gossip or Not?

     Sometimes I wonder how gossip starts. What is considered gossip? I find church hypocritical. Nothing makes sense. What's said in confidence is never really in "confidence". They justify this so called "gossip" as concern and consider it a good intention. But if what is being said, was never meant to be said to another individual, than that my friend, is considered unnecessary gossip which in all, is where the church system faults. How can we be expected as a group of Christian people, to follow through with everything we have been taught and "share our burdens" when those burdens are just used later as a conversational piece? Now I'm not saying I've never talked to someone before about my concern or just what I thought was "interesting" to someone else. I suppose right there I catch myself and recognize myself as a hypocrite. Then I wonder if what I do carries the same impact as a Leader who places them self in such a position that aspires heavy conversations that require emotions to be shared and feelings to involved greatly. In my opinion the weight of it all changes dramatically when it's coming from a Leader. I do not intend to gossip and most of the time I don't but all and all I know at times that I fall into the habit and I admit that it's something I'm working on.
     I don't know why this bugs me so much. It makes me question the system and how it works, and how it works inappropriately. I know the church is made of people and therefore can never be perfect. In that, I wonder why we gather as a church, and what the purpose is of gathering imperfect people together as a whole to create an imperfect body that is sometimes missing vital pieces.

The What If's

    Today, where to begin? It started out okay and everything I mean nothing fantastic but nothing horrible either. I dreaded going to class and school and all that jazz. Another day of anxiety attacks and awkward conversations. Another day ending in regret and wishing everything was so different. I cannot describe the amount of frustration I get from the fact that I get anxiety over the dumbest stuff. Seriously, how ridiculous is it to ask for a day of going to a church event and not receiving an enormous amount of anxiety for it.
    I regret ever starting anything with him. I wish nothing ever happened. I don't regret meeting him, but I do regret sharing feelings for each other. I wish things were so different. I wish I could go back and change so much. I can't describe the amount of feelings that I have for him. I can't describe how much pain I feel on a daily basis and how I try to pretend I'm not effected when every unanswered text or message kills me that much more inside. When I see his face I die a little more, and I want for it all to go away. I hate crying over him. I hate thinking that I feel like he was the only guy for me. I want him to be happy. I wish I could make his life easier, even though I know I can't and that we're not meant for each other. I pray that he finds happiness one day. True happiness and not just the act of putting on a show. I want him to love himself and know that he's worth as much as I think he is.
    Let tomorrow be a new day.

First entry. Here it goes?

        So I know this is all confusing if I say that this entry is actually my first, but this is where it begins. I created this account today and entered in the other entries so I'd have somewhere to begin from my previous journal.

Anyways, today was a meh kind of day. All in all, no complaints. Sometimes I wish things were so different than how they turned out. I look back on alot and I see where I faulted and I wonder why I did the things I did or said the things I said. I wonder what the purpose was in alot of it, and I wonder if today's sermon is true. I mean, I totally want to believe that God puts us in these situations to build our character, but sometimes I wonder if the second statement of "He will never give us anything we cannot handle" is true. I guess so far that statement stands to be true, because of course if I am alive and typing this God obviously has not given me anything I cannot handle. The pastor went over how faith is more than just knowing that if you pray for something that God will make sure that that happens. I mean how selfish of us as people, are we to believe that. That's like seeing the kid in the candy store who asks their momma for something and thinking that she'll automatically give it to them. Spoiled huh? Well no, faith is not that, faith is knowing that God will always be there for us. Well, that's what I learned today. I find that pretty interesting in that sometimes, it doesn't mean that in knowing that you have faith you believe the situation will be perfect in the end, it means that God will always be there for you, your ups and downs.

Sometimes, I feel like even though I receive the message and I get it, I wonder what good it does. I mean, who is this helping by teaching me? People are still in pain everyday. There are still people who are not being reached by the church and in particular people that I can't reach. When I go to church and I volunteer, who is that helping? I see the people who fall through the cracks in this system. I want them to be reached and sometimes I feel like my presence should be sacrificed in order to bring them into the church and for the leaders of the church to put their effort into them verses me. I have nothing to offer when I see so, so, so much potential in them. I know they will make a change.