Labyrinth

Hold on.
Hesitation. 
Take a step. 
Move back. 


Access, 
      Repeat, 
             Proceed.  


The mind is, 
here, nor there, 
nor then, 'til now. 


Living, 
      Breathing, 
            Memories, 
                   Fantasies. 


Reality fades, 
Dreams wander, 
Taking over mind's eternal,


Realm.  

Blow 'em up.

I can't express,
These feelings clearly.

Hazed in confusion,
and glistening wonder.

Life proves failure,
disbelief, and corruption.
Ending in dreaded nights,
and regretful mornings.

Wake up to this,
Big bright disaster,
Spinning fast,
In a thoughtful dust storm.

It's overwhelming,
With desperation,
And time bombed words.

There's the trigger,
There it goes.

Counterfeit

Hide behind,
That forged smile.


Those words that seep,
Through rivers deep lie. 


Pretend your world, 
Rotates on perfect precision. 


And don’t let a blink, 
Come between your, 
Magnificent dream. 


This web you’ve woven, 
Will unwind. 


‘Til then, 


Hide behind, 
That forged smile. 

Mr. Sandman

Among night’s stars,
Are the sands of time.


Turned bright,
Dazzling lights,
Those radiant eyes.


Peering through,
True darkness’ gaze.
Hovering over,
Mountains’ shoulder.


Stalking through,
Unveiling territory,
And hunting for the,
Moon’s bright lie.


Crisp in winter’s air,
Stood still.
Alive through,
Water’s alternate realm.


Tuned to Earth’s,
Indefinite heartbeat,
A pendulum of,
Nature’s eternal rhythm.


Age envelops,
All in wonder;
Withers down life’s course edges.


Travel through,
This ripened era,
Within one glance,
Upon the hour.


Take a pinch of,
Grainy white sand,
Transformed to black,
By raging periods.


Hold it firm,
(Dear to heart)
For within them are,
Existence’ meaning.

Release Me.

Heart pounds. 
Chest tightens. 
The room, 
It spins in rapid movement. 


Voices dwindle,
Motion slows down,
And I’m trapped within, 
My cellared self. 


Response time, 
Takes a doubled toll. 
Thoughts triple, 
In time’s webbed weave. 


Lost within this panicked trance, 
I fear the moment someone notices. 
That moment’s seldom, 
Although destined. 


Till that moment, 
My mind lies, 
In tight chains, 
Against a cold stone floor. 


Waiting to be released...

Drowning

Emotions break through the floodgates of my mind, 
Raging winds spindle past with endless fury, 
Waves crash down and trample through learned paths. 


Cursing, crying, pleading, 
Begging, pity, 
Rains down in short seasons. 


I Sink down in my ceaseless lies, 
Tugging at my sinful cloak. 
Further and further I fall, 
With boots of cement cutting the way. 


Below me I see my destined course,
Lined by darkness, 
Consuming all. 


Sharp objects, 
Cut through my tender flesh, 
This open wound, 
Which does not heal. 


I land upon my knees, 
Broken and dismantled. 


Here is my plea. 

Dive for Dreams

So, I'm totally in absolute love with this poem by E.E. Cummings. It's fantastic.

dive for dreams

or a slogan may topple you

(trees are their roots

and wind is wind)

trust your heart

if the seas catch fire

(and live by love

though the stars walk backward)

honour the past

but welcome the future

(and dance your death

away at the wedding)

never mind a world

with its villains or heroes

(for good likes girls

and tomorrow and the earth)

in spite of everything

which breathes and moves, since Doom

(with white longest hands

neating each crease)

will smooth entirely our minds

-before leaving my room

i turn, and (stooping

through the morning) kiss

this pillow, dear

where our heads lived and were.

Insoluble

Unanswered questions,

Thoughts left unfinished,

Words unspoken.

 They linger through,

The mind’s endless maze.

Take a left,

Then a right,

Second door.

Locked threshold.

Skeleton key,

Broken within,

The doors blind eye.

Where now,

To go,

Through unseen territory?

Sleepwalking

Attempt to lift a foot, 
Weighed down by a heavy burden. 
The ground turns, 
To enveloping resin. 


Stuck. 
Immovable. 
Permanent. 


Grasped within this stance, 
Held firm. 
Standing within your living coma. 


Breathe in. 
Make it deep. 
Exhale slowly. 


Relief will come, 
As dully noted. 
Perhaps? 

Late Night Memories

          It's pretty late, and I can't sleep. Yet again. Too many thoughts. Yet again. I'm not really sure why I'm so bothered about the things that I can't change in life. I can't change my family and the contents of it. I can't change the fact that Tristin has other siblings besides the two he grew up with. I should be happy for him. I should want him to know his other half siblings, but instead, I'm selfish and I want to be his only sister. Growing up, it was me. I was the one he protected and cared for. Not them.
          I've lost contact with him. I haven't talked or seen him in seven years. Things are different. People change, and people move on. I'm not the little girl he knew and he's not the brother I idolized. And yet, I'm still stuck in this same spot of selfish thinking, and living in the past.
          I feel like there's just so so much stuff that we've missed in each other's lives. Seven years is a long time. That's seven years of living, seven years of growing up, and seven years of countless memories. I can't imagine ever being able to tell him every single story of my life that's he's missed. Nor the same with him to me. We'll never be able to be on that same level. It's impossible to gain those years back. He didn't see me graduate, he didn't see me when I left to Tyler, he wasn't there to help me pick up the pieces from when I came back from Tyler. He wasn't there for me when my heart was broken by some jerk.
         And the worst thing left in all of this is the fact that seven years takes a toll on a memory. I'm so scared of forgetting him. I'm afraid I won't remember the person he was, and how much happened when we were growing up. Considering the fact that we don't talk anymore, it's so easy to just think that Thomas is my only brother. It's so easy to just let my friends believe that there's only four of us in this family. I can't remember alot of memories with him. I don't know whether it's my mind playing tricks on me, or if there just aren't that many with him in it. I have no problem remembering Thomas and what he said or the instances of my stupidity with him.
          I'm an aunt, I have two nieces, and yet, I don't feel like one. As horrible as that is to say, I don't feel like I'm anything to those two kids. I love them, I do, but I can't honestly feel anything for them other than the fact that I'm suppose to because their Tristin's daughters. I've never met them, and I feel terrible about that. On  the other hand, I feel like my presence in all of this doesn't matter. They have two other aunts from Tristin. Why would they need one more? One who looks nothing like any of them. I don't fit in with that, with them.
          I feel like it doesn't matter to them. I've been replaced by two other women who fit in with them perfectly. They'll never know me, they'll never know the little girl who was so incredibly proud to be his little sister.
          I love you Tristin. (Please don't forget me)

The Former And The Following

Why do I live in the past?

My thoughts are constantly thinking of what happened then and the wanting of those moments to happen again. I don’t live in the present, I don’t live in the here and now. The here and now happens, but I’m too caught up in the past to realize what’s going on, and how good I have it now. I’m so wrapped up in what’s missing that I once had. I don’t understand much of that.

There was nothing great about my past.
There’s been a lot of pain, a lot of lessons learned, and a lot of people leaving. Why then, am I still consumed with it?
I miss certain aspects in my life, but in the reality of it all. I have so much more now, than I had in the past. I have more knowledge of who I am, and what I want to become.

My goals are becoming somewhat attainable, and I suppose that also frightens me. I’m a dreamer. How can I dream about things if they actually start happening?

So wait, I live in the past, and I dream about my future? I sense a chunk of life missing somewhere in there.

Nonsense.

Ignorance Is Bliss

So, I feel like Jimmy Neutron.
“Brain Blast!”

I’ve reached a thought. It’s not that great of one, and I wish I didn’t arrive at it, but lately there’s just so much going on. So much going on in everyone’s life. So much pain and hurt and just, so .. Much. It’s ridiculous. Among all of this that’s going on, it feels like people as a society should be stepping in and helping each other and just being there for each other. In these times is when I realize we’re all alone. There’s no one that’s going to come to you to help you out. No one’s going to make a difference in anyone’s life. We’re given this time on earth, and what do we do with it? I feel like we take advantage of the time we have and what we do with it. We’re a set of selfish individuals, who are numb to other’s troubles.

The Bible teaches us to be loving, and to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Rom 12:15) So we’re suppose to feel for each other and sense when they are in need. We’re called to do this, but yet we don’t.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, or why I even bother thinking of ways to put thought to page. It’s irrelevant.